Still Throwing Ideas Around

Those of you who know me know that I have always struggled to find my ‘thing’ professionally and at 32, I still don’t know exactly what I want to be when I grow up. The doula work is going well and it is interesting and fulfilling, but somehow I feel as though it is not going to be what I will be doing for the rest of my life. So, the search goes on…

I would really like to have an impact with what I do. I want to be able to help a lot of people. The money is really secondary- if I was interested in earning money I would go back to working at a bank. I am looking for personal fulfillment as well as something that will be valuable to society. It definitely needs to be something that I can do in any country I go to.

If I won the lottery today, I wouldn’t become a total bum, I would go to med school. Ever since I was a child, I have wanted to be a doctor of some sort (when I was very young, I wanted to be a vet- then the idea evolved) However, I always felt somehow inadequate and was scared to go down that path, doubting both my ability to get through school as well as my emotional capability of dealing with sickness and death on a daily basis. Now that I am older, the thought of med school is still intimidating. But now I feel as though I would be successful, as though I have enough drive to get through it.

The main question now is: Do I have that much time to spare? Can I really spend ten plus years on pursuing this career path? I honestly am not sure of the answer yet. Thankfully, I still have at least another year to make up my mind while I’m home with the kids. I can see myself in the medical field, be it as a doctor or in research, but I’m not sure I have what it takes to get there.

Another option would definitely be midwifery. The training would be a lot shorter- around three years. However, my professional field would be limited to only one very specific area of care. It is one that I enjoy very much, but I’m still undecided on whether I want pregnancy and childbirth to be the only field in which I could help people.

Right now, I’m just throwing ideas around. The great thing is that my husband supports whatever I want to do. The bad thing is that I just cannot make a decision. I’m always terrified I’ll end up doing the wrong thing or I’ll be too old when I’m finally doing what I want to do. If I decided to become a doctor, I wouldn’t be able to start really working until I was in my mid to late forties. Too old? I just don’t know…