The Effects of Staying Home with My Kids on My Career

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in 2008, my husband and I decided that I would stay home with her for at least the first year. Even though I had never even met my little one, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stand being separated from her. Honestly, I never thought twice about this decision and how it might later affect my career.

It has been three and a half years since I have worked full-time. Unfortunately, now I am in a position where I need to get back into the workforce in order to financially support our family. It is proving incredibly difficult. As one lady told me: “It doesn’t matter if you’ve been staying home with your kids. With the high unemployment rate, companies are looking to hire those who were employed most recently.” I’m just another unemployed person.

Now, probably every reader is going to feel offended by something. To clear some things up: I think working mothers are incredible. I was very fortunate to be able to stay home and I know that a lot of families don’t have that option. Some women have the option and just don’t want to, which is absolutely fine. For me, I couldn’t picture any other way. I know for a fact that I would have been a complete mess. I wouldn’t have breastfed as long as I did if I had to feed every hour at night and then be at work the next morning. All of you working mothers are incredible!

Also: I am not trying to judge unemployed people. Unfortunately, situations like that happen in life and they can happen to anyone. I am the last person to say anything negative about people who are unable to find work.

All of that being said, I was a full time mother. I wasn’t unemployed- quite the contrary, I was employed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (and still am) To imply that my time has been spent in an idle way is such an insult to the extremely hard work I have done and that stay-at-home-parents everywhere do.

I went to an interview several weeks ago where I was asked a list of questions regarding my judgment in certain professional situations. I was asked to describe a situation in which I had been faced with many issues at the same time and how I handled it. The interviewer stressed that they wanted a recent example, within the past year. I answered honestly- I told him about the shopping trip that morning that required me to purchase every item on the list, while entertaining two children, meeting their constant needs, staying within the budget, etc. when it started raining and I had to come up with a plan that allowed the family as well as the groceries to make it into the car safely and as dryly as possible. I saw by the look on his face that he thought my answer was less than satisfactory.

The truth is, being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had. And I’ve had some pretty shitty jobs in my working life… Any other job ends- you have a break, you get to go to the bathroom. You can eat a meal. You can sit in the car or on the train and gather yourself. You get to clock out and do your own thing for a while. As a stay at home parent, you get nothing. You’re on your own, responsible for another life (or more than one) without any pointers and without any breaks. It’s rough. It has taken me to stress levels I never knew before; getting an airplane ready to take off at the given slot time so the company doesn’t lose any money while one passenger is missing is a joke compared to a rough day with kids.

I’m not mad that I’m having a hard time finding a job. I have lots of qualifications, lots of experience and I am confident something will come along. Also, I haven’t ‘just’ been a SAHM- I have had two contracting jobs and two volunteer positions during my time at home. What really upsets me is the way society sees mothers and fathers. What we do- all of us parents, whether working or not- is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT JOB in the world! We are making the next generation of people. We are making and shaping new human beings. And here, it counts for nothing. Just another unemployed person.

I guess I might not be as upset if I didn’t know the alternative. Unfortunately, I am well familiar with societies in which parents are protected and encouraged. I grew up in Germany where I (or my husband) would have been able to take a full year of paid maternity leave. In addition to that, I could have stayed home two more years (for a total of three) unpaid, with my job being preserved for me until my return.

I don’t regret the road I chose to take. I worked very hard in corporate jobs until I was 30 and felt as though my child needed me more. Had someone told me that it would negatively affect my career later on, I would have chosen the exact same path. However, I feel that society is doing mothers and fathers wrong- we don’t do nothing. We are not unemployed.

Potty Training Success!

I never thought the day would come. My daughter is three and a half years old and has never shown any interest whatsoever in potty training. It even went so far that she flat out refused to even try on any underwear. We decided to take her lead in this process and just wait till she was ready. Secretly, I was terrified she would still be in diapers by the time she was ready for college. However, a week ago, she suddenly announced she was ready to wear big girl panties and that was that.

The first couple of days were a little rocky, as she was still discovering the need to control her bladder, and I cleaned up a few accidents. After that, it went swimmingly. I don’t want to jinx us here, but she has been doing fantastic- no accidents and even doing her bigger business in the toilet.

I was never in a hurry to have my children out of diapers- I find them so convenient. Now I see why parents are so eager to say good-bye to changing soiled pants. This is great!

Of course, we’ve had some comical instances in the process and I am soooo grateful to have tile floors, but overall there was really no “training” involved. She decided she was ready and now she uses the toilet (not a little potty that needs emptying and cleaning, but the actual toilet) like a big girl. I’m very happy that we chose to go this route, especially with our spirited daughter. Everything else would have involved a battle I had no interest in fighting.

So, if you’re like me and don’t want to bother with the agony that is potty training, try the relaxed approach. It may take a little longer, but it will be a lot easier on your nerves.

(Just to test things out, we let our son, who is 22 months, try pottying; he did well a few times. He also just splashed around in a pee puddle with his feet and then sat in it. Not quite ready yet…)

The Worst Article on Attachment Parenting

I am so fed up with reading negative articles about Attachment Parenting. It seems as though ever since the controversial article was published in TIME magazine, everyone has to voice their opinion on the matter, even if they have no experience with or knowledge of it. It’s not that I feel I need to defend my parenting style- I am 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for my family and myself- or that I feel criticized. What really bothers me is the misrepresentation and false information that is being spread around freely, possibly deterring parents from informing themselves about Attachment Parenting and making insecure parents question their choices.

A prime example of the damage an article can do is a piece I just read online in Psychology Today titled ‘The Worst Idea in the World’ by Hara Estroff Marano. You see, the problems with this article are so numerous that I have to really refrain from writing an entire book on the subject. The very first issue I have is that this article will probably be read by people who are under the impression that they are reading a professional piece written by someone with at least a smidge of expertise in the area of child rearing. However, Ms. Marano is neither a psychologist nor is she in any other way involved in the field of child development- she is a journalist and an editor. The article is an opinion piece which may be perceived as research based information.

Unfortunately, research is something Ms. Marano doesn’t seem to believe in, since none of the claims she makes in her article are even remotely factual. This lack of knowledge is masked beautifully by an eloquently written piece, again making it hard for readers to question the information they are being given.

Paragraph by paragraph, Ms. Marano makes claims that are clearly fictional. Her writing is biased and leaves the reader with a horribly negative aftertaste. When trying to define Attachment Parenting, the words she uses are almost despising “Unless you’re practicing attachment parenting—“wearing” your baby, sleeping with your baby in your bed, and, as reflected in a recent Time magazine cover story, breast-feeding until a child is 6 or even older…” I am an Attachment Parenter, a breastfeeder, and a La Leche League leader. I know NOBODY, not one single mother, who has breastfed her baby for six years. Not that there is anything wrong with mothers who choose to do so- it is just not representative of what Attachment Parenting is about. Again, I could dissect every word she uses to make her distaste for Attachment Parenting (AP) unmistakably known. Sadly, I don’t have the time to do so tonight, so I will address the most bogus claims made in the article.

Ms. Marano suggests that AP is some sort of competition among elite mothers when she says: “It's become an instrument with which highly educated women bludgeon each other in pursuit of the top prize in the parenting sweepstakes.” As a mother who deals with other mothers on a daily basis I can honestly say that AP is neither a parenting style reserved for the wealthier mothers nor is it something that only the intellectuals among mothers practice. Parenting is not a competition and there is never a prize to be won and I have yet to meet a mother who sees it differently. Some days, I wish there was a prize…

What the author doesn’t seem to grasp is that AP is not a modern concept, something that “some doctor” conjured up in his basement and bestowed upon mankind. AP is a movement back to the very basics of human development, encouraging mothers to disregard advice that goes against their instincts and trust in the ability to mother their children as nature intended. Many, many parents practice AP without even knowing that such a concept exists- solely by listening to their own instincts when it comes to their children.

Sadly, Ms. Marano is not aware that the very things she herself is promoting, e.g. the natural development of a bond and the ability of a child who feels securely attached to be able to separate from the parents, are the concepts behind AP. She herself says: “The goal of attachment is to provide a strong enough sense of security so that the child can go off and explore the world on his own.”, but is somehow under the impression that AP stands in the way of the attachment she speaks of.

I can only hope that future authors who feel the need to bash AP at least have the courtesy and professional ability to thoroughly research what AP means. After all, none of us want to read another Worst Article in the World.

Wrong Is Wrong

In the recent debates on spanking, I have often been accused of seeing things in black and white and not being able to grasp that there are grey zones. I consider myself someone who is much more tolerant than most, so being perceived as someone who is too closed-minded annoys me.

If in any way feasible, I try to take all sides to a story into consideration. For example, when it comes to abortion, I can fully understand and appreciate both sides of the argument and am always willing to learn about people’s opinions, etc. However, when it comes to certain other issues, there can be no grey area for me. In some instances, there is either a right or a wrong. There may be different nuances, depending on the circumstances, but overall some things are just wrong.

Which is why we have laws. In particular, human rights laws. So that, even if the circumstances are such that we can emphasize with whatever emotions led a person to act a certain way, the actions are still wrong and not acceptable within a functioning society.

There are many things which fall into this category of being wrong, e.g. murder, torture, etc. For me, the greatest wrong is that which is done to a child. Because children have no power and no voice in society to change anything.

Hitting a child is wrong. I can understand the circumstances under which parents do it. I can understand that some people cannot fathom that a child does not need to be spanked in order for him or her to learn respect and decent behavior. I can really see where all of these parents are coming from and why they act the way they do. None of this changes the fact that hitting a child is wrong.

I’ve heard all the arguments and read all the explanations- none of them matter. Either hitting other humans is right or it’s wrong. In our society, it is wrong. You cannot hit another person. Therefore, you should not be able to hit a child. Children are not property, they are human beings.

I do not care in the least how many people agree with me. The majority of people thought slavery was an excellent idea. The majority of people thought that letting women vote would be detrimental to society. Or that George W. Bush would make a good president (well, that may not have really been a majority, but it was still an unbelievably huge number)

If hitting another living being is wrong- which the law says it is, as you are not allowed to hit any adult person or any animal- then hitting a child is wrong. Period. It has nothing to do with parental choice- it should not be a parent's choice to make. The physical discipline of children should be against the law and I hope that it will be some day soon. (it already is in most of the Western world…)

“You do not lead by hitting people over the head- that’s assault, not leadership.” (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

If Spanking Were Effective

More and more scientific evidence keeps surfacing that suggests that the physical punishment of children is harmful. Just yesterday, a Canadian study found that being spanked in childhood can lead to mental illness in adult life, such as severe depression, alcoholism, etc. The AAP advises parents not to physically punish their children, as there is no known benefit and there are some very real risks.

However, I have come across so many comments all over the web today in favor of spanking that I just had to write something about it. The opinions expressed by spanking-fans sent chills down my spine, ranging from being fond of a ‘good old spanking’ to attributing every problem in this world to the lack of spanking today. One person actually said that it was all 'the liberals' fault…

Unfortunately, the physical punishment of children is still legal in the US. (It is not in most other Western nations…) Unfortunately, many parents still use physical punishment as their preferred method of discipline, especially here in the southern states. The general consensus seems to be that children will not be able to learn respect and the difference between right and wrong if they are not spanked.

I want to examine this theory a little further. The basic idea is that spanking is necessary for effective learning. A child will not be able to comprehend the message that it is being taught unless there is some sort of physical element involved.

If this were true, then I suggest we abolish all prisons and use physical punishment instead. We could have a wide range of physical punishments, depending on the crime in question. How much money that would save! No more tax payer dollars for prisons! This would free up so much money for other things. All that the criminals need is some physical punishment to teach them that what they have done is wrong. (Except that this has been tried and it doesn’t work. Also, it is against the law.)

I think it would also be important to spank in all day care facilities, schools, and universities, etc. After all, if the best way to learn is through physical punishment, then we should implement said punishment in all places of learning. That would be a wonderful encouragement for children, teens, and adults alike to really take their learning seriously. It would also make the teachers’ jobs a lot easier. (Except that this has also been tried and it doesn’t work. It is mostly against the law- some schools still allow spanking.)

Animals could greatly benefit from learning through physical punishment, as they don’t understand our verbal communication. Trainers everywhere could start spanking their animals and get outstanding results. Imagine what those dolphins at Seaworld could do with just a bit of spanking encouragement! (Alas, this practice has also been tried and found to be ineffective. It is also against the law.)

If employers were able to teach their employees to do the right thing by physically punishing them, imagine how smoothly all businesses would run. Productivity would be at an incredible high and we would see the end of this recession. (Unfortunately, this, too, has been done in the past and hasn’t worked out too well. For some reason, it is against the law.)

So you see, spanking pretty much anyone is against the law. Why? Because that’s not how a civilized society works. Generally speaking, people don’t like to be spanked or physically punished in any way (unless that’s what they’re into, but that’s a whole different story altogether)

I hate to tell you this, but children are human beings, too. And they don’t like being spanked. Ever. It teaches them nothing other than what they already know: that you are bigger and stronger than them and that you can do with them as you like. The only way they will truly learn something is if you take the time to teach it to them in a way that they are able to learn it, which is through patience, understanding, and love.

Our children are such an incredible gift. They are the most amazing, beautiful, innocent beings on this planet. Let’s keep it that way and protect them from all bodily harm.

Please also read Children Are People and Spanking vs. Hitting 

I Bought a Fake Ergo!

About a month ago, I was messing around on FB and came across a blog post a lady had shared in our local Cloth Diapering Group. The title of the post was How to Spot a Fake Ergo Baby Carrier and it sounded interesting, so I gave it a read. In the post, the writer compares two almost identical Ergo carriers and shows the reader which of the two is fake and how a consumer can spot a counterfeit Ergo carrier.

Rewind to around two years ago. I was pregnant with my son and was dying to have an Ergo, but didn’t really want to pay for a new one. I figured eBay may be a good option for finding a used one and after stalking the listings for a few days, I came across a decent offer and placed my bid. I ended up winning the carrier and was so pleased with myself for only having spent around $80 as opposed to the $110 or so it cost for a new one.

Back to the present. So, I’m sitting in my living room, reading the blog post- really more out of curiosity than anything else. I mean, who would fall for a counterfeit product, right? The first few differences listed didn’t spark any suspicion in me and I was 100% certain that MY Ergo was an original. Until I came to the part that talks about the warning label on the Ergo. The writer’s fake had it in one spot while the real thing had it in another. My heart sank- my Ergo doesn’t even have a warning label! It’s not just in a different spot, it’s non-existent. See here:

I began reading the post again from the top after getting my Ergo out of the car and compared every detail. First came the buckle. The original bears the word ‘STEALTH’. However, mine says ‘STEALTH WARRIOR’. Could just be a slightly different buckle, I told myself. Here is what mine looks like:

On to the label that bears the carrier’s logo. This is when I finally knew that my carrier was not the real thing- not only were the colors the same as in the photo of the fake, the name was also completely different. Instead of ‘ERGObaby®’ my carrier says ‘The ERGO Baby Carrier’. That’s not even a real thing! They didn’t even bother putting the ®. I felt so stupid for falling for such a blatantly awful imitation. See for yourselves:

Then the post went into all kinds of other details about stitching and buckles and zippers. Zippers?!? Ergos have zippers?!? Mine doesn’t…

The little label inside the pouch is supposed to say ‘Made in China’ and have a lot number on the reverse side. Mine is blank.

As I thought about it more, certain memories came to me about comments other mother’s had made, e.g. how they had never seen that pattern before, or how mine looked different than theirs. It made me wonder if they knew and didn’t have the heart to tell me. So, I searched high and low to see if Ergo had ever released my carrier’s pattern. Of course they had not! And all those times I had wondered why everyone else’s Ergo just felt a little softer suddenly made sense.

And so, as the evening went on, I became more and more angry. I just couldn’t believe I was the victim of such a deception! To be honest, I felt like an utter idiot! I also felt disappointed.

My husband and friends pointed out that it had served its purpose just fine all these months and that it really shouldn’t matter whether it was real or not. To a point, I agree. However, I would not have paid that much money for a knockoff carrier, so I was duped! Also, the carrier’s quality could have been awful and my child’s safety could have been at risk! I know it wasn’t and all was fine, but what happened here just isn’t right.

My son is getting to be a big boy and I have decided to upgrade to a bigger SSC (Soft Structured Carrier) I browsed around eBay again, looking for a good deal. After all, now I know what to look for, right? I found a carrier that I liked for a great price and asked for close-up pictures of all labels, etc. The seller was a little reluctant, so I explained my previous bad experience. This is the answer I received: “Once I get home from work I can take the pictures. These are made in China and not under Beco warranty.” In other words, the carrier I was considering was also a fake.

The moral of the story: don’t buy important items like baby carriers on eBay! You have no way to be sure that what you are buying is the real thing. Counterfeit carriers are not subject to the same standards as the originals and one cannot be sure of their quality and safety. Where our babies’ safety is concerned, it really is worth it to spend the extra few bucks!

Ergo has a section on their website that lists known distributors of counterfeit carriers as well as dealers that are trustworthy. eBay has a special section on their site about how consumers can spot a fake.

The Seven Baby B's: (7) Balance

The final Baby B is Balance. I am so happy that Dr. Sears included this in his list! As in every area of our lives, maintaining good balance is key. Too much of anything can be harmful and the same is true for ‘overdoing’ things when it comes to our parenting.

A baby’s needs must be met, there can be no doubt about this. However, parents should always remember to meet their own needs as well, be they emotional or physical. It is easy for a new mother or father to forget to take care of him or herself and end up completely burned out, which is not desirable for anyone.

Parents need to make sure that they take care of themselves, their partners, and their marriage. If either partner really needs sleep, for example, it is crucial for this need to be met. There are ways in which to meet everyone’s needs without neglecting the others- in this case, the sleep deprived parent could spend an entire day in bed, only being interrupted if it were really necessary. Or there could be a regular arrangement for each parent to sleep in on one day per week.

Balance is important in every part of our lives, but especially in the difficult journey that is parenting. Parents who feel balanced will be better able to handle the stresses of everyday life with kids. Well-adjusted individuals create a family entity that is also balanced.

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The Seven Baby B's: (6) Beware of Baby Trainers

The sixth Baby B cautions parents:  Beware of baby trainers. What Dr. Sears means are the ‘experts’- and there are too many of them out there to count- who try to make parents believe that their babies should be on some sort of fixed schedule from the time they are born. Frequently, these baby trainers are also in favor of sleep training, via letting the baby cry it our or other methods.

The whole point of Attachment Parenting is to understand our baby’s needs and to respond to those needs as best we can. Trying to make babies fit into a set of rules designed by a total stranger who has never met your baby may bring short term benefits, but could cause many problems in the long run.

For example, there are baby trainers who insist on keeping babies on a feeding schedule. Regardless of whether they are breast or formula fed, these trainers believe babies should be eating at certain times and not at others. Such scheduling methods can be detrimental to a breastfeeding relationship, causing terrible issues such as dehydration and failure to thrive in the infant, as well as problems such as low milk supply and even mastitis in the mother. The problem with schedules is that they do not take into consideration that a growing baby has changing needs and while eating every two to three hours may be the norm on most days, it ignores the fact that babies have growth spurts, for example, during which they need to eat more frequently. (The AAP does not recommend baby training methods, such as the ‘Babywise’ method, and warns parents of the negative effects they can have on the breastfeeding relationship!)

I just spoke to a friend of mine in Germany a week or so ago. She has a newborn and I was quite anxious to hear how their breastfeeding is going. She told me that her midwife had advised her to feed the baby according to the clock- not more often than every two hours, but also not less frequently than every three hours. The midwife’s reasoning behind this was that babies need to learn discipline from birth on. Thankfully, my friend told me that she quickly discarded her midwife’s advice and listened to her baby, feeding her on demand (the recommended way to breastfeed a baby)

Always take baby advice with a grain of salt. Inform yourself about who the person is giving the advice as well as what qualifications he/she has. Pediatricians, for example, are often quick to give parenting advice that has nothing to do with their medical training and is not necessarily research based. As I have sad in many posts before: Trust your instincts and question everything!

Tomorrow: Balance!

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The Seven Baby B's: (5) Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby's Cry

The fifth Baby B focuses on the Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry. Simply put, Dr. Sears wants parents to know that their babies are not crying without a reason, they are trying to communicate with their parents via the only means they have. Infants have not yet developed any verbal skills and are dependent on their cries as a way to signal that they have a need that they are unable to meet themselves.

I know many parents who believe that infants try to manipulate them and use them. Somehow these parents see their own children in a negative light from birth and are determined not to surrender ‘control’ to them. By crying, they are expressing a want instead of a need and they should learn that they can’t have everything they want.

In my opinion, children are inherently good. The idea that an infant, who is unaware that he/she has hands, cannot sit up by him/herself, etc. is a master of the art of manipulation is just ridiculous to me. For an infant, a want and a need are one and the same thing.

Not only have I always believed that a baby’s cries need to be responded to, I also think that I would be incapable of not responding to them because I cannot stand to hear my baby be unhappy. Have you ever thought about why a baby’s cries are so hard for us to listen to? Maybe nature made it that way so that parents would do everything possible to keep their baby happy…

I can’t think of too much to write about this subject other than: listen to your baby! Don’t let your baby cry! Babies should always be able to trust that their parents will be there for them, no matter what- be it in the middle of the night, during an inopportune time, etc.- it shouldn’t make a difference. Thinking of babies who are left to cry makes my heart ache and my stomach knot up.

Tomorrow: Beware of baby trainers.

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The Seven Baby B's: (4) Bedding Close to Baby

A slightly controversial topic, the fourth Baby B is Bedding close to baby. Unfortunately, co-sleeping has gotten a bit of a bad reputation and many parents are terrified when they so much as hear about it.

A necessary distinction that must be made is between bed sharing and room sharing, both of which are considered co-sleeping. Bed sharing involves the obvious- parents sleeping on the same surface as their children. Room sharing, on the other hand, has baby sleeping in the same room as the parents, but on separate sleeping surfaces.

Both of the above mentioned ways of sleeping have great benefits for the relationship between the parents and the child. Attachment Parenting followers believe that parenting duties do not end when the day is over and that the easiest way to respond to their child’s night time needs is to have him/her sleeping close by. However, close sleeping arrangements shouldn’t only be of interest to Attachment Parenting enthusiasts, as research has proven that babies who sleep in the same room as their parents have a lower risk of SIDS.

Somehow in the last decades, co-sleeping has gotten to be a practice that is not only widely unpopular in the Western World, but also often frowned upon. I wish people would take a minute to think about what human sleeping arrangements used to look like just a century or two ago. Having a separate room for every family member was an unthinkable luxury for most, and beds were often shared by many family members. Humans are certainly the only mammal that chooses to sleep away from their young. Most mothers do not feel comfortable having their baby far away from them, especially at night.

Since our modern adult beds are not designed for babies, bed sharing does have certain risks, especially when sleeping with a very young infant. However, there are several ways in which to co-sleep safely while ensuring that all parties are still comfortable, e.g. by using a co-sleeper, side-caring the baby’s crib, etc . For a list of safety precautions, please click here.

With my daughter, we room shared for about six months and then attempted to move her to her own room, mostly because my husband’s snoring would wake her up occasionally. However, when she started waking up every one to two hours a night to nurse, she quickly ended up being a constant occupant of our bed. When I found out I was expecting our second child, we decided that a king sized bed would be a wise investment…

With my son, we had a co-sleeper attached to our bed from the start. Slowly but surely, he ended up staying in our bed snuggled up to me. I especially loved this cuddle time because it was an occasion for us to just be together one-on-one (my husband was mostly passed out on the other side of the bed…)

For about a year now, we have had a great arrangement where R starts off in her own bed and then joins us in the big bed whenever she awakens- sometimes around midnight, rarely around five or six, most of the time somewhere in between. She comes in quietly, shuts the door behind herself, and squeezes in where she can find a spot. It is a lovely way to sleep together and I particularly love the extra snuggle time I get with my daughter, who is a busy toddler and not very interested in cuddling with me very much.

What I love most about co-sleeping is the extra sleep I have been able to get! Having a newborn was so much easier when he was right beside me and I could nurse him while dozing.

Tomorrow: Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry.

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The Seven Baby B's: (3) Babywearing

Babies are meant to be carried. Which bring us to our third Baby B: Babywearing. Since infants are quite immobile during most of their first year, parents have been forced to find efficient ways of carrying babies around. Unfortunately, humans don’t have much hair for the little ones to grab onto, so the work must be done almost exclusively by the parents.

Thankfully, humans are very creative and have found many different ways of carrying their babies while still having the full use of both of their hands. How, you may ask? By using different materials, such as leather, plant fibers, cloth, etc. to securely tie their babies to them.

Babywearing aides the bonding process by allowing mother and child to be close to each other, both creating physical contact as well as helping the mother-baby pair to become more familiar with each other. Babywearing also allows time to have skin to skin contact with your baby while still being able to stay mobile. Research has shown that babies who are worn often are much less fussy and do not cry as much. And you can nurse your baby in a carrier without anyone even knowing...

When I was pregnant with my first child, a baby carrier was on my baby registry. Not knowing anything about them at the time, I relied on the ratings the product had received online and thought I was purchasing a great carrier. Unfortunately, soon after having my baby, I learned that my carrier belonged to the category of carriers that babywearers like to refer to as ‘crotch danglers’. After some research, I came to find out that baby carriers in which the baby is basically dangling on a narrow piece of fabric by their crotch are not only uncomfortable (for all involved- my back was killing me and I was carrying a newborn…), they can actually cause damage to the baby’s hips and spine.

Wearing my sick baby boy in December 2011

Thankfully, there are so many wonderful carriers out there that I didn’t have a hard time finding a good alternative. There is such a huge selection available and you can choose from so many beautiful fabrics and designs. If you are interested in the subject, www.thebabywearer.com is a fantastic resource.

I still wear my 28 lb son regularly! Tomorrow: Bedding Close to Baby

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The Seven Baby B's: (2) Breastfeeding

Definitely one of my favorite subjects, the second Baby B is Breastfeeding. In case you haven’t read my blog before, this is a subject I am very passionate about and I could write a lot about. However, I won’t go into the many, many benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding for both mother and child, such as immune benefits, lower rates of allergies, diabetes, and obesity, etc., but will instead be focusing on how breastfeeding influences the mother-baby bond.

From a strictly biological point of view, the hormones that are released throughout the breastfeeding relationship, especially during actual nursing sessions, help the mother and baby feel more attached to each other.

But breastfeeding can do much more for the bond than 'just' the release of hormones! The frequent demand of infants to nurse makes the mothers stay close to their babies. During each nursing session, mother and child are in close physical contact, with at least some parts of their bodies being skin to skin. This physical closeness strengthens the bond and is (usually) highly enjoyable for both mother and child.

The breastfeeding relationship is one that has to gradually be established, just like any other relationship. The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding uses an analogy that I just find perfectly suited: it’s like two people who are learning to dance. At first, the two people have to pay close attention to each other and learn the other’s cues and movements. After a while, things are able to go a little more smoothly, but both partners still have to be aware of what the other is doing so as not to step on any toes. Once the breastfeeding relationship is well established, it is smooth sailing and nursing sessions just happen without much thought having to be put in them. Breastfeeding your baby will help to get to know your baby and his/her needs, as well as help the baby to get to know you!

Of course, not everybody can or wants to breastfeed. That does not mean that your bond has to suffer. Always maintaining close physical contact while feeding the bottle will create much of the same close attachment. It can be particularly helpful to make sure that you get a lot of skin to skin time. Propping a bottle for the baby to self feed is not recommended.

I breastfed my daughter for 15 months, until my milk dried up due to my second pregnancy. I was very sad that our nursing relationship ended as soon as it did. I have been breastfeeding my son for almost 19 months and we are still going strong. I have no intention of weaning any time soon and hope to let him self-wean when he is ready.

Extended breastfeeding is definitely a great way to maintain the close relationship to your child. Toddlers become so busy with playing and exploring that there is little time in the day to be close to each other and snuggle. A breastfed toddler, however, will have at least a few moments in the day that are reserved just for him/her and the mother, in which they can reconnect and cuddle.

I cannot tell you how much I love breastfeeding! Tomorrow: Babywearing

 If you have a breastfeeding post that you would like to add, please link up!

The Seven Baby B's: (1) Birth Bonding

The first of the seven Baby B’s focuses on the beginning of your baby’s life and of your parenting journey. The ways in which a mother (and, of course, father) and baby interact during the first few days and weeks of its life shape the foundation of their relationship. The better mother and child are able to bond after birth, the stronger their initial attachment will be.

However, this important bonding time should not be seen as a window of opportunity that can be missed for good, should circumstances not be favorable. There are so many situations in which the bonding process cannot begin directly after birth, such as medical complications for mother and/or baby, or even adoption, etc. Dr. Sears is very clear in saying that the bonding process can start at any time in a baby’s life, which he then calls “catch-up bonding”. The time immediately after birth is not an all-or-nothing bonding chance, but more of a time in which the parent-infant relationship can get a “headstart”.

As a birth doula, I am painfully aware of the many medical interventions- some necessary, most not- that can have a negative influence on the mother and baby after birth. Some mothers feel so detached from their babies after a traumatic birth experience that the bonding process is very slow starting.

Thankfully, it is never too late to get the bond stronger. Mothers can take a number of steps that will help them feel more connected to their baby and will make the mutual love grow stronger. The most simple and essential method is bodily contact, preferably skin to skin. A wonderful way to get mother and baby to bond is to have them spend an entire day together, just by themselves, snuggled up skin to skin (this is also wonderful for the breastfeeding relationship) The scent and physical touch work wonders! Mother and baby should spend as much time together as possible- after all, they are just getting to know each other. Babywearing (which I will be writing about in a few days) makes spending extra time together especially easy. And if all else fails, the mother can revert back to her primal instincts and try licking her baby.

I had an unpleasant birth experience with my first child. I can honestly say that I felt detached from her for the first few weeks, especially due to the extreme pain I experienced while breastfeeding her and from a tear that was overlooked and not treated. None of this was her fault, of course- I had no idea what I was doing, neither when I was giving birth nor when I was handling my baby. Looking back on things three years later, I wish I had known what I know now because I still feel guilty about the lack of a bond between us in the first few weeks. Some days, it seems as though I am still trying to catch up. R and I do not have a consistent connection and I frequently struggle to keep our attachment strong…

Even though my son was born via c-section, our bond was immediate. I knew what to do, I knew what babies were like, and things just fell into place for us, even though I was recovering from major surgery while also trying to care for my almost 20 month old. I feel very attached to my son and I have so far never feared that our connection may not be strong enough. Here’s hoping I can keep it that way!

Tomorrow: Breastfeeding! If you have a post about Birth Bonding, please link up!

Extremists AKA Attachment Parents

The latest cover of TIME magazine didn’t shock me. I was surprised that they devoted their number one story to Attachment Parenting, but it was not surprising that they would use such a provocative breastfeeding photo to do it. After all, a magazine’s main purpose is to make money (no, I don’t believe that they are more interested in real journalism and the greater good) and that photo definitely got everyone’s attention!

What has been surprising to me is the hatred that has been spewed in the direction of mothers who nurse their children beyond infancy and towards Attachment Parenting followers as a whole. Because I just had to see it, I recorded the episode of The View that featured Dr. Sears the other day. I just cannot get the whole train wreck of an interview out of my head. Most of the women there looked at that poor man as if he had suggested administering heroin to your babies! The utter disgust and disrespect on their faces made me hurt all over. Not to mention the fact that they hardly let him finish half a sentence.

Most of all, I remember Barbara Walters looking completely indignant, accusing Dr. Sears of making all working mothers feel guilty. Dr. Sears tried to explain that his ideas about parenting actually had nothing to do with whether a woman works or not- they can be practiced in any situation. And at the very end of the interview I finally realized what was behind all this animosity when Barbara exclaimed that it was making HER feel guilty. All the ‘ladies’ nastiness probably stemmed from their own parenting insecurities…

As a general response to all the bad press, putting down Attachment Parenting followers and their beliefs, I can only say: You’re all being ridiculous! Attachment Parenting has been made to look like this extremist form of parenting, this unattainable model of perfection, when all it is, in the tiniest of nutshells, is this: Responding to your baby’s needs.

Attachment Parenting is not something that has to be learned or studied. It is not a new idea. It is not radical or unusual and we are not extremists. Attachment Parenting is exactly what we would all do if we didn’t have the advice of family members, books and other media, pediatricians, OB/GYNs, countless other ‘professionals’, friends, neighbors, strangers at the grocery store, etc. If a woman were to end up on an island by herself, she would handle her baby exactly the way Attachment Parenting suggests- it is instinctive parenting that can be found in each and every one of us.

I didn’t start my parenting journey as an informed mother. I had no clue what I was doing. And the advice poured in from every angle possible, tearing me in opposite directions. Everyone knew best- after all, they had all done it before and been somewhat successful. Thankfully, I was given an Attachment Parenting book and immediately a light bulb went off in my head- Yes! This is it! This is what my inner most gut feeling has been telling me to do.

As soon as I had been enlightened, as soon as someone had given me the reassurance to listen to my inner voice, I knew that it was right. My baby knew what she wanted/needed from me and she was able to tell me beautifully. Finally, I was able to give her what she had been asking me for all along!

I am passionate about Attachment Parenting and all that it includes. However, I am not an extremist nor am I some sort of radical parent. I do what I feel is right, as does everyone else in the parenting world. I write about it a lot, but I never suggest that this is the right way for everyone, nor do I say that all other ways are wrong. I wish that respect and tolerance was given to parents like myself who have chosen a different way of doing things…

Therefore, in honor and support of Dr. Sears and his wonderful concept of Attachment Parenting, I will be writing a blog post every day for the next seven days, introducing you to the seven ‘B’s of the AP style of parenting. Just to clarify: this is not meant as some sort of criticism of other parenting styles, or a how-to guide, etc. I will just be writing about what the seven ‘B’s are and what they mean to me as a parent.

Tomorrow will be the first post- all about ‘Birth Bonding’. Fellow bloggers, won’t you join me? I will have a linky underneath my post for you to submit your own blog posts on the subject.

Let’s make it a carnival in celebration of Attachment Parenting!

Maybe "Fine" Isn't Good Enough Anymore

I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times from different people: “We did XYZ and our kid turned out fine!” You can hear it in connection with anything parenting related- from nutritional advice, over methods of discipline, through potty training methods, etc.

For example, one mother once told me that they gave their baby cow’s milk instead of formula and mixed in some grits so that the baby would sleep. The doctor never knew the difference! And of course, this child turned out just “fine”. (Unless you take a closer look and see that actually, the child has terrible gastro-intestinal issues that nobody can figure out and is on a whole battery of different medications.)

I could fill multiple pages with examples such as this. And the question presents itself: what do these people mean by “fine”? Do they mean alive? Do they mean that their child has not become a drug addict, serial killer, prostitute, etc.- at least not that they know of? What exactly is the definition of this “fine”, this mediocre adjective that is just “alright” or “ok”?

If we think back to our pregnancies, I think we can all agree that we have high hopes for our unborn children. That we have strong feelings of wanting to nurture and protect our children. We don’t have babies thinking that they’ll turn out to be “fine”- we want them to turn out in the best possible way.

Yet, at some point, many parents decide to settle on “fine”. Raising a child is more work than they expected and “fine” becomes a condition that sounds attractive, that is good enough. Because researching and gathering information on what the best choices are is strenuous and time consuming. Making decisions based on ones own primal instincts and in accordance with what the baby is telling us he/she needs is hard labor.

Maybe “fine” just shouldn’t be good enough anymore. Maybe we should all parent in a way that we feel is the absolute best the baby can get, no matter how much work we have to put into it. Because the people who are “fine” today have severe depression and insomnia and terrible allergies and gastro-intestinal issues and …

If all the time and energy people spent on making their family look nice to the outside world with beautiful nurseries and clothes and bows and pretty pictures was spent on what the child needs, maybe we could finally live in a world that was not just “fine”. Maybe we could be the ones to make it fantastic!

Second Child Guilt

I found out I was pregnant with my little E-man the day after R’s first birthday. I already knew I was pregnant because of the bodily changes I had noticed in myself, but I decided to keep the birthday just about my daughter and delay taking the pregnancy test until the next day.

My initial feelings were panic and guilt. The panic soon turned to joy, but the guilt remained. I felt like I was ruining my daughter’s toddlerhood. During my pregnancy, I was not always capable of keeping up with my spirited child’s needs and wants- just being bigger slowed me down physically and the tiredness slowed me down mentally.

I was very anxious about the arrival of our son. So many other mothers had suggested that two children under two would be incredibly difficult to handle. A lot of them said that I would spend much of the first year crying and being at my wit’s end.

My beautiful son was born and I had to be away from my daughter for two days. I hated it so much! Because I had a c-section, I was unable to pick my daughter up for almost four weeks. I felt like a horrible mother. I felt like I had done such an awful thing to my daughter- bringing home a new baby and being physically unable to hold her or do much of anything.

R had quite a rough time adjusting at first. However, she overcame it relatively quickly and seemed to genuinely love her little brother, despite all of the extra attention he was getting. She would sit next to him and read him books or bring him toys. She loved holding him and snuggling with him.

The first year with both kids turned out not to be that bad at all. I hit big bumps in the road at times, trying to figure out the logistics of meeting both children’s needs in our attachment style of parenting. I let R watch way too much TV, especially during the first few weeks postpartum. But I actually enjoyed it. So much so that I would definitely do it again if given the choice.

I still have days where I feel guilty. R doesn’t get 100% of my attention at all times and neither does E. Sometimes I feel as though I am depriving them of something. However, then I look over at them and I see how much they love each other- genuinely, without anyone ever having suggested to them that they should. They have a very special connection that is beyond anything that we as parents could give them. And so, I have come to the conclusion that we are a very lucky family because everything worked out just the way it should for us, even though I sometimes wish I could make a clone of myself.

A Day Without Timeouts

I conducted a little experiment today after reading a parenting post by Mayim Bialik with the title No More Timeouts, No More Tiger Moms: How to Discipline Your Kids by Disciplining Yourself. It was an article listing methods of discipline to stay away from when attachment parenting, as well as introducing methods of discipline that have worked for the author and her family. In it, Bialik suggests that the use of timeouts is undesirable in a gentle discipline environment and explained why she felt this way (side note: Ms. Bialik holds a Ph.D. in Neuroscience) It inspired me to try eliminating timeouts in our house.

I read about parenting all the time. Not because I feel lost or as though I’m searching for truth- I am actually quite confident in my parenting. However, I believe that there is always room for improvement. I love getting inspired by other people’s perspectives and views and then re-evaluating my own thoughts and behaviors.

Regarding timeouts, I have read many pieces which suggest that the timeout as a disciplinary tool is not exactly ideal. Though it is physically non-violent, it does create a detachment from the child that cannot really be considered ‘gentle’. I have been somewhat unwilling to take a closer look at my use of timeouts with my daughter because I consider it a useful tool.

However, Bialik’s article got my brain’s wheels turning again yesterday. I examined my timeout use more thoroughly and came to the conclusion that I do not dislike the tool itself- I think it can be very useful. But I did find that I tend to misuse the tool. Looking at my own behavior in relation to the frequency of timeouts for R, I could clearly see that the number of timeouts increased greatly when my mood was not good or when I was preoccupied with something else and not fully paying attention to the kids.

I wanted to put it to the test. Today, I tried my hardest to see my children in an absolutely positive light and to communicate with them frequently. I had really fun conversations with my daughter and I could see how much she was enjoying the genuine attention I was giving her. We played more games and read more books than we usually do. When I felt as though an unwanted behavior was eminent, I tried to redirect the kids’ attention to something else. It worked! Today we had a timeout free day! It was a happy and fun day.

Of course I am well aware that this may have just been a good day. I will have tired days and grumpy days and things will be different. However, I am going to make every attempt to use other tools of communication before using a timeout. I am going to give timeins a try when a necessary situation presents itself, in which you still remove the child from the situation, but do not isolate it and instead have a conversation about the unwanted behavior.

Why am I telling you all this? Not because I think you should do things like Mayim Bialik or myself. Parenting is a very personal and individual relationship that we all have to figure out for ourselves. I just want to throw ideas out there because they may give food for thought. We are all works in progress, especially as parents.

Taking a Stand Against Breastfeeding Discrimination

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine shared an experience with us on Facebook. She had attended an informational meeting at a public elementary school here in South Carolina with her baby. While she was breastfeeding her baby at the back of the room under a cover (!!!), she and another breastfeeding lady were asked to move. The ladies moved to a lounge in the school and continued feeding their babies, when a male school sheriff walked by and said, referring to the breastfeeding: “I’m next!”

Since this entire event makes me very upset, I won’t go into detail about my personal opinion of the people my friend had to deal with. Let’s just say that if it had been me, the school sheriff would be lucky to still have a job after I was done with my complaints.

However, I would rather focus on the issue of breastfeeding discrimination in general. I don’t think people are aware of how much damage situations like these in which the breastfeeding mother is subjected to discriminatory behavior against her can cause. If women must experience such embarrassing scenarios, they will become more reluctant to nurse in public. If they become uncomfortable nursing in public, it will be harder for them to breastfeed successfully. If women don’t nurse in public anymore, people will start to think of breastfeeding in a negative light (indecent, abnormal, etc.) The more people have a negative association with breastfeeding, the fewer mothers will be able to breastfeed their babies successfully. Taking breastfeeding out of the public eye will also take it out of the public’s mind and heart, which could have dire consequences.

Standing up against breastfeeding discrimination is crucial for all of us! Be knowledgeable of the breastfeeding laws in place in your state. In South Carolina, legislation protects the nursing woman as follows:

S.C. Code Ann. §63-5-40 reads:

(A) A woman may breastfeed her child in any location where the mother and her child are authorized to be.

(B) Breastfeeding a child in a location where the mother is authorized to be is not considered indecent exposure.

Don’t leave it up to the breastfeeding mother to defend herself! Speak up for her. Tell the person who is harassing the mother that this is not acceptable and educate him/her on the laws in place.

Most importantly, if you are a nursing mother yourself, please breastfeed in public. Show people that there is nothing wrong or indecent about feeding your child the way it was intended. Bring breastfeeding back into people’s minds so that they view it as something normal again.

If the breastfeeding mother is not protected by the laws in your state, let your representatives know that legislation must be passed in order to ensure that babies can be fed in the best possible way. Georgia, for example, does not currently have such laws in place. There is a group who is now fighting for mothers to be shielded by the law. If you would like to find out more, visit their Facebook page and join the statewide nurse-in on 03/05/2012.

Some of you may be wondering why you should care how other people’s babies are fed. Besides the many benefits that most people are aware of, it cannot be ignored that a recent study found that as many as 900 babies’ lives could be saved every year if 90% of women breastfed exclusively for the first six months of life. It’s up to us to make women more comfortable breastfeeding their babies when they are not at home- let’s make it happen! I simple smile can work wonders…

I Hate Potty Training

My daughter R is almost three years old and not yet potty trained. Not a big deal in my opinion and I haven’t been rushing her. Recently, she has started showing interest in using the potty. I know most of you moms would be super excited, but I just hate this!!! I feel as though my life already revolves around urine and excrement removal, so any additional time I have to spend on this subject has me feeling a bit unhappy.

I guess it would be different had R figured the whole potty thing out. However, she is just experimenting with it for now. She wants to pee in the potty, but only when she feels like it. She won’t wear panties and insists on being in a diaper of some sort. Therefore, I have to deal with potty clean up as well as diaper changing. No fun for me.

I have horror visions of future trips to public restrooms with both of my children. Juggling a fat little toddler boy while trying to explain to my daughter that the Target toilet brush is actually not meant to be used for brushing her hair just doesn’t have any appeal to me. And from what I can tell, R is going to be one of those girls who has to go to the bathroom at least ever y half hour.

Maybe I am also somewhat reluctant to see my children growing up so fast. My daughter blows me away with her wit and intelligence every day. Once we conquer potty training there will be no stopping her- she’ll be moved out of the house before I even know what’s going on…

My Thoughts on the Laptop-Shooting Father

Disclaimer: I have used a few not so polite words in this post. Please excuse my language!

I have been coming across the same video a lot lately on Facebook. It is of a father who, upset about a Facebook post that his daughter put on her page complaining about him and her mother, shoots multiple bullets into the girl’s laptop. I had been reluctant to watch it, fearing that I would come across something that I disapproved of. However, as the repostings got more frequent, I became too curious not to see the video for myself. If you have not seen it, you can watch it here.

First of all, I understand the father’s anger and frustration. I understand that reading his daughter’s words of disapproval probably hurt his feelings. Teenagers are sometimes difficult to identify with and deal with and it can be emotionally challenging for all parties involved.

However, I also understand the daughter’s anger and frustration. She obviously feels that she is not being shown enough respect and love in her home. She must also not feel comfortable discussing her feelings with her parents, or else she would have done so instead of writing a Facebook post.

I think the father’s reaction was ridiculously childish. Instead of being a rational adult and dealing with his feelings in an appropriate way, he let his anger take over his actions. He could have used his daughter’s message as an opportunity to reach out to her, but chose to do the opposite. He could have ‘taught her a lesson’ in a funny or witty way, but chose to go with aggression.

I find his actions in the video despicable. What he is doing is being a big bully. Using a gun to resolve any issue just  shows poor judgment and inability to communicate with others. The funny thing is that I’m sure he felt like such a badass shooting his daughter’s laptop. The truth is that any idiot can shoot a few bullets into a stationary object at close proximity- it doesn’t require any skill or thought. My 93 year old granny could have done the same thing without any issue! He made himself look like a total douchebag.

Furthermore, I find it disgusting that he needlessly destroys property. Absolutely unnecessary and juvenile. The only thing he has shown his daughter is that he cannot control his emotions and that her feelings are not as valid as his own.

Most people seem to view their children as their property until they reach the age at which they are legally an adult. What parents forget is that every human being- regardless of age- wants to feel like they are worth something and that they have at least partial control of their own lives. Destroying their property is mean and disrespectful.

From what the father said about his own childhood, he had a hard time. It sounded like his adolescence was rough and far from enjoyable. He may not have learned what parental love and respect feels like. I wish people would just take a minute to remember what it felt like to be a child, to be powerless. Maybe they would react differently to their children.

I hope that this father has not alienated his daughter beyond repair. I hope that they will one day be able to sit down together and openly talk to each other about their feelings.

To all of you who commended this father for ‘showing her who’s boss’: I hope you would never react in this way yourselves. I don’t think violence (and yes, the destruction of property with a gun is violence) is ever an acceptable solution, but I especially do not think it is the way to go when dealing with your own children.