No Common Ground in the Birthing World

As many of you know, I am a birth doula. I was so excited during my training and couldn’t wait to help women birth their babies. However, from the first birth on I have become steadily disheartened. I haven’t been able to quite put my finger on it, but the birth world has been draining me and left me feeling depressed and powerless. Not feelings I enjoy, as you can imagine.

Last night, I finally realized what the problem is: everyone- be it professionals or mothers- has a completely different opinion when it comes to all things surrounding the birth experience. There is hardly any common ground and each new person you work with challenges your own knowledge and beliefs.

It was when I was discussing a topic on one of the Facebook pages I frequent that I understood that the extremes in the birthing world are just too extreme for me. You can find everything- from the women who believe that a woman’s body always knows how to birth and therefore needs absolutely no assistance, to the doctors who think that natural childbirth is overrated and would prefer to just surgically extract babies on a routinely basis.

I just can’t do this all the time. I cannot constantly be surrounded by so many passionate voices that completely disagree with each other, are unwilling to find a common denominator, and disrespect each other entirely. It is wearing me out and making me unhappy.

It’s midwives vs. OB/GYNs. It’s CNMs (Certified Nurse Midwives) vs. CPMs (Certified Professional Midwives) It’s medical vs. holistic. It’s doulas vs. doulas- ABC doula won’t attend anything other than a home birth while XYZ doula will only attend hospital birth, etc.

I feel like I’m stuck in a constant tug-of-war, in which I am being pulled back and forth. Because as a doula, all you do is support the mother and smile and nod. You have no say in anything and your opinion isn’t part of your job.

The problem is that I have an opinion. And I have a big problem keeping my mouth shut. I also have a big problem not having any authority, just being part of the ride without being able to alter the direction. I believe as a doula, I have a very important role in supporting the mother and I can make a huge difference in her labor. However, on a larger scale, I am not doing much to change the big picture. I’m the smallest fish in the vast see of births.

I may just have to retire from the birthing world all together. There just is no common ground that I can believe in. I have strong faith in the holistic side of the birthing community, but I also believe in the necessity for occasional medical interventions. Once again, I find myself between chairs and I just can’t find a good one to sit in. It looks like the world of birthing is not meant for me.

Re-discovering the Respect for Birth

Ever since I re-watched The Business of Being Born last week, I have been carrying a question around with me that I have been trying to answer for myself. The question was: If we (the human race) continue along the lines of the birthing trends present in developed countries and we do eventually lose the ability to naturally deliver babies, would that be a bad thing?

One of the professionals in the film raised a valid point. Unfortunately, I am only able to partially paraphrase it, but he basically said that if we lose the respect for the most amazing process our human bodies are capable of, i.e. to produce new life, what does that say about us as humans?

The point of respect has been the one to stick with me the most. We as women have been given the power, the gift, the miraculous ability to make new humans. It is the single most incredible thing on this earth. Yet somehow, we have lost sight of what the process of producing new life is all about.

Birth has become something that requires medical attention, monitoring, intervention. It has become something pathological in the hearts and minds of people. It is not understood, it is feared, and it is not respected.

When a woman gives birth to a child, it is not delivered by a doctor, midwife, etc.- it is delivered by the mother who is assisted in her delivery by a doctor, midwife, etc. Women produce new beings within their bodies and then give life to them by birthing them. How absolutely amazing! We should all be in awe of this process. We should all be so fascinated by the miracle of pregnancy and birth that we learn as much as we can about it, that we want to see it for ourselves, that we utterly respect each woman in this time of her life.

Unfortunately, almost the opposite is the case. People only have a very basic knowledge of the pregnancy and birth process and do not usually search for more. Birth is something that only happens in hospitals behind closed doors and people are afraid of seeing it. It is depicted in the media as a gruesome event that only medical professionals can deal with safely.

The fact that births have moved into the hospital has subtly labeled them as a dangerous event. The thousands of years in which humans have successfully multiplied before births were considered a medical emergency are ignored. And so each laboring mother has to feel as though something is not quite right with her when she enters the building for sick and injured people to bring her baby into the world.

Women in labor in an American hospital are typically surrounded by nurses and physicians who are not there primarily to help her and support her during her laboring process, to meet the needs of the mother, but to monitor and intervene in the worst case scenario. Therefore, a laboring woman mainly has the support she has brought with her from outside the hospital. The supporting partners are often just as anxious about the labor process and have little or no experience with helping a laboring woman.

In one of the most expensive maternity care systems in the world, how did it happen that the one person who should be the center of attention is not fully cared for? As someone mentioned in The Business of Being Born, the very first question should be ‘How can we help this woman in labor?’ This does not mean how can she be helped medically. Unless a woman is experiencing complications, no medical help is needed. However, what is needed is real support. That includes a true respect for the mother’s wishes and feelings. It includes emotional guidance to help the woman discover her own strength and confidence.

Today’s hospital births are sterile and unfriendly. There is a certain protocol that must be followed, regardless of the mother’s wishes and feelings. A lot of health care professionals have lost sight of what really matters in the daily trudge that comes with going through the same motions over and over again, of seeing every mother entering their ward as just another birth.

For the laboring woman, this is THE BIRTH. She may have others, it may be her only one. Regardless- for the mother, this is the time she spends bringing her child into the world. It will forever be in her memory and can shape the bond she has with her baby. How did we as a society forget what this process is all about?

I am not suggesting that births should completely move out of the hospital. I am, however, saying that the way things are being done is not right. Something needs to change within society that will bring back the respect that the laboring mother deserves. It would be too easy to blame the health care system- they are only partially at fault. We- the mothers, daughters, husbands, partners, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, etc.- have let this happen. We have put up with care that is not optimal. If we want to ensure that each laboring woman gets the support and respect she needs, we have to demand it! The only way our society will demand it is if it re-discovers what birth really is- it is new beginning, it is promise, it is the best thing our species is capable of doing.

Go Ahead, Lick Your Baby!

While reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, 8^th Edition I stumbled upon a fascinating idea. To improve the mother-child bond and to help start off the breastfeeding relationship, the book suggests licking your baby.

I know what most of you are thinking “Ok, now Vivien has completely lost her mind!”… Just bear with me for a few minutes and I will try to explain.

As we all know, one of the first things mammals do when their babies are born is to clean them by licking them. They not only do this to get them fresh, it is a very complex process that mixes the mother’s and baby’s scents, thereby creating a bond, while stimulating the baby’s entire nervous system, improving breathing, digestion, etc.

We humans are lucky enough to not have to actually clean our offspring in such a way anymore. I don’t know how you feel, but neither of my babies looked very delicious right after they were born. (No, I’m not referring to my babies themselves, but rather the coating they had on them) However, there are theories out there that view this removal from our primal instincts in a negative light, claiming that an essential part is missing in the bonding process.

In today’s society, a very large number of babies is born with medical interventions, including c-sections and epidurals. One of the problems associated with these interventions is the mother’s removal from the birthing process. It has been widely reported that mothers who did not feel their babies leave their bodies had difficulties emotionally bonding with their babies. Mothers know that the babies are theirs, but lack the sense of attachment that they feel they should have.

I remember after my daughter was born I felt almost underwhelmed emotionally. I looked at her, and loved and adored her, but couldn’t really fathom that she belonged to me. It took us a long time to really bond, especially since our breastfeeding relationship got off to a rocky start.

To counteract this sense of detachment it has been suggested that returning to an act so primal as licking your child will greatly improve the bond between mother and child.

So, dear mothers, why not give it a go? I read the story of a mother whose daughter was over a year old when she licked her- she felt that it immediately improved their bond. If you feel as though your bond could be a little bit stronger, just try it out. What’s the worst that could happen?

C-sections: The One Thing You Should Take to Surgery

I don’t like c-sections. I don’t know many women who do. However, sometimes they are medically necessary. According to recent studies, the probability of your birth being a cesarean section is about 1/3. So, just in case, you should think about how you would like things to go if you have to have this kind of delivery.

When I had my first baby, one of the most important things for me was that I didn’t want our new baby to be out of our site. I told my husband to follow our little girl wherever she went and not to take “no” for an answer. Thankfully, the hospital I delivered in did everything, such as bathing, weighing, etc. in our room right next to me.

If you have to have a c-section, things will be very different. The actual birth only takes about five minutes, then your baby has to leave the OR. I’m not sure how you feel, but I am not comfortable leaving my newborn baby with people I have never met before.

Therefore, when I am asked what I think every woman should take to the hospital with her, my answer is: a second person.  When I delivered my son, I had my husband and my doula with me. I had a discussion with my OB beforehand, telling him that I would love to have two people in the OR with me, in case a c-section became inevitable. It did and my doctor let both of my birth partners stay with me. My beautiful baby boy was born (for the complete birth story, click here). After I got to see him for a brief minute, they whisked him away. My husband went with my baby, to make sure that he was safe and to start bonding with him. Thankfully, I was not all alone on the operating table when they patched me up- my wonderful doula was by my side, keeping me calm and easing my fear.

If you can arrange it, take someone to the OR with you in addition to your husband/ partner. I found it so comforting and reassuring at a time when you’re in emotional and physical turmoil over having a cesarean birth.