On Becoming a Working Mom

After a long period of searching and applying, I finally found a job! Tomorrow I will be completing my second work week and it’s incredible how different my life is from just two weeks ago. To be honest, I was terrified of the transition from stay-at-home mom to working mom. I think it has gone a lot better than anticipated.

The first few days were rough. The kids cried and didn’t want me to leave. I felt like crying myself most of the time. However, by Friday of last week my daughter was already anxious to get rid of me and carry on with her day, yelling at me to: “Get out of the car, Mummy! Go to work!”

I miss the kids. I hate being away from them. Especially since it was never planned for me to go to work full time. But, as you know, sometimes life doesn’t care about what your plans were and things change. Right now, it is important for me to work full time and that is what I have to do.

A lot of mothers have told me that I shouldn’t be sad, that I was so lucky to have been able to stay home for as long as I did. While they are right and I have been incredibly fortunate, I am still entitled to my feelings and I am still allowed to express my sadness at being away from my children. I believe it is always important to acknowledge your emotions and deal with them in the best way possible, no matter what others may think.

Truthfully, being back at work does have its perks. This is the most alone time I have had in over three and a half years! I get to eat by myself, in peace, without little people screaming at me, wanting food off my plate, talking my ear off, etc. It’s incredible- I just sit in silence and eat. After my lunch, I usually go for a nice walk around the beautiful park down the road and it is so soothing to my soul. I get to listen to music all by myself. Or read a book. My breaks are like little vacations.

The park by my office

Suddenly I get to be around people who have nothing to do with my children, who are not even aware of their existence. They don’t see me as the mother of R and E- to them I’m just Vivien. It’s like I’ve been living in an alternate universe and have suddenly arrived back in the real world, where people talk about grown-up things rather than potty training and how to sneak vegetables into your child’s diet.

Of course, there are other things about being back at work that suck. Like having to actually work. And using communal bathrooms. Somehow I had this idea in my head that I would finally get to go to the bathroom in peace, without children commenting on what I’m doing, fighting each other to determine who gets to flush, etc. What I forgot about was that you’re never alone in the bathrooms at work. You’re in a stall next to other women and there is really not much privacy. It doesn’t help that the toilets in our office building creak as if they have reached their maximum weight capacity and are about to rip out of the wall.

I still can’t quite believe it: I’m a working mother now. Going from stay-at-home mom to working mom has been easier than I thought so far, but it still isn't easy. I’ll keep you posted…

The Effects of Staying Home with My Kids on My Career

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in 2008, my husband and I decided that I would stay home with her for at least the first year. Even though I had never even met my little one, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stand being separated from her. Honestly, I never thought twice about this decision and how it might later affect my career.

It has been three and a half years since I have worked full-time. Unfortunately, now I am in a position where I need to get back into the workforce in order to financially support our family. It is proving incredibly difficult. As one lady told me: “It doesn’t matter if you’ve been staying home with your kids. With the high unemployment rate, companies are looking to hire those who were employed most recently.” I’m just another unemployed person.

Now, probably every reader is going to feel offended by something. To clear some things up: I think working mothers are incredible. I was very fortunate to be able to stay home and I know that a lot of families don’t have that option. Some women have the option and just don’t want to, which is absolutely fine. For me, I couldn’t picture any other way. I know for a fact that I would have been a complete mess. I wouldn’t have breastfed as long as I did if I had to feed every hour at night and then be at work the next morning. All of you working mothers are incredible!

Also: I am not trying to judge unemployed people. Unfortunately, situations like that happen in life and they can happen to anyone. I am the last person to say anything negative about people who are unable to find work.

All of that being said, I was a full time mother. I wasn’t unemployed- quite the contrary, I was employed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (and still am) To imply that my time has been spent in an idle way is such an insult to the extremely hard work I have done and that stay-at-home-parents everywhere do.

I went to an interview several weeks ago where I was asked a list of questions regarding my judgment in certain professional situations. I was asked to describe a situation in which I had been faced with many issues at the same time and how I handled it. The interviewer stressed that they wanted a recent example, within the past year. I answered honestly- I told him about the shopping trip that morning that required me to purchase every item on the list, while entertaining two children, meeting their constant needs, staying within the budget, etc. when it started raining and I had to come up with a plan that allowed the family as well as the groceries to make it into the car safely and as dryly as possible. I saw by the look on his face that he thought my answer was less than satisfactory.

The truth is, being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had. And I’ve had some pretty shitty jobs in my working life… Any other job ends- you have a break, you get to go to the bathroom. You can eat a meal. You can sit in the car or on the train and gather yourself. You get to clock out and do your own thing for a while. As a stay at home parent, you get nothing. You’re on your own, responsible for another life (or more than one) without any pointers and without any breaks. It’s rough. It has taken me to stress levels I never knew before; getting an airplane ready to take off at the given slot time so the company doesn’t lose any money while one passenger is missing is a joke compared to a rough day with kids.

I’m not mad that I’m having a hard time finding a job. I have lots of qualifications, lots of experience and I am confident something will come along. Also, I haven’t ‘just’ been a SAHM- I have had two contracting jobs and two volunteer positions during my time at home. What really upsets me is the way society sees mothers and fathers. What we do- all of us parents, whether working or not- is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT JOB in the world! We are making the next generation of people. We are making and shaping new human beings. And here, it counts for nothing. Just another unemployed person.

I guess I might not be as upset if I didn’t know the alternative. Unfortunately, I am well familiar with societies in which parents are protected and encouraged. I grew up in Germany where I (or my husband) would have been able to take a full year of paid maternity leave. In addition to that, I could have stayed home two more years (for a total of three) unpaid, with my job being preserved for me until my return.

I don’t regret the road I chose to take. I worked very hard in corporate jobs until I was 30 and felt as though my child needed me more. Had someone told me that it would negatively affect my career later on, I would have chosen the exact same path. However, I feel that society is doing mothers and fathers wrong- we don’t do nothing. We are not unemployed.

Potty Training Success!

I never thought the day would come. My daughter is three and a half years old and has never shown any interest whatsoever in potty training. It even went so far that she flat out refused to even try on any underwear. We decided to take her lead in this process and just wait till she was ready. Secretly, I was terrified she would still be in diapers by the time she was ready for college. However, a week ago, she suddenly announced she was ready to wear big girl panties and that was that.

The first couple of days were a little rocky, as she was still discovering the need to control her bladder, and I cleaned up a few accidents. After that, it went swimmingly. I don’t want to jinx us here, but she has been doing fantastic- no accidents and even doing her bigger business in the toilet.

I was never in a hurry to have my children out of diapers- I find them so convenient. Now I see why parents are so eager to say good-bye to changing soiled pants. This is great!

Of course, we’ve had some comical instances in the process and I am soooo grateful to have tile floors, but overall there was really no “training” involved. She decided she was ready and now she uses the toilet (not a little potty that needs emptying and cleaning, but the actual toilet) like a big girl. I’m very happy that we chose to go this route, especially with our spirited daughter. Everything else would have involved a battle I had no interest in fighting.

So, if you’re like me and don’t want to bother with the agony that is potty training, try the relaxed approach. It may take a little longer, but it will be a lot easier on your nerves.

(Just to test things out, we let our son, who is 22 months, try pottying; he did well a few times. He also just splashed around in a pee puddle with his feet and then sat in it. Not quite ready yet…)

The Worst Article on Attachment Parenting

I am so fed up with reading negative articles about Attachment Parenting. It seems as though ever since the controversial article was published in TIME magazine, everyone has to voice their opinion on the matter, even if they have no experience with or knowledge of it. It’s not that I feel I need to defend my parenting style- I am 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for my family and myself- or that I feel criticized. What really bothers me is the misrepresentation and false information that is being spread around freely, possibly deterring parents from informing themselves about Attachment Parenting and making insecure parents question their choices.

A prime example of the damage an article can do is a piece I just read online in Psychology Today titled ‘The Worst Idea in the World’ by Hara Estroff Marano. You see, the problems with this article are so numerous that I have to really refrain from writing an entire book on the subject. The very first issue I have is that this article will probably be read by people who are under the impression that they are reading a professional piece written by someone with at least a smidge of expertise in the area of child rearing. However, Ms. Marano is neither a psychologist nor is she in any other way involved in the field of child development- she is a journalist and an editor. The article is an opinion piece which may be perceived as research based information.

Unfortunately, research is something Ms. Marano doesn’t seem to believe in, since none of the claims she makes in her article are even remotely factual. This lack of knowledge is masked beautifully by an eloquently written piece, again making it hard for readers to question the information they are being given.

Paragraph by paragraph, Ms. Marano makes claims that are clearly fictional. Her writing is biased and leaves the reader with a horribly negative aftertaste. When trying to define Attachment Parenting, the words she uses are almost despising “Unless you’re practicing attachment parenting—“wearing” your baby, sleeping with your baby in your bed, and, as reflected in a recent Time magazine cover story, breast-feeding until a child is 6 or even older…” I am an Attachment Parenter, a breastfeeder, and a La Leche League leader. I know NOBODY, not one single mother, who has breastfed her baby for six years. Not that there is anything wrong with mothers who choose to do so- it is just not representative of what Attachment Parenting is about. Again, I could dissect every word she uses to make her distaste for Attachment Parenting (AP) unmistakably known. Sadly, I don’t have the time to do so tonight, so I will address the most bogus claims made in the article.

Ms. Marano suggests that AP is some sort of competition among elite mothers when she says: “It's become an instrument with which highly educated women bludgeon each other in pursuit of the top prize in the parenting sweepstakes.” As a mother who deals with other mothers on a daily basis I can honestly say that AP is neither a parenting style reserved for the wealthier mothers nor is it something that only the intellectuals among mothers practice. Parenting is not a competition and there is never a prize to be won and I have yet to meet a mother who sees it differently. Some days, I wish there was a prize…

What the author doesn’t seem to grasp is that AP is not a modern concept, something that “some doctor” conjured up in his basement and bestowed upon mankind. AP is a movement back to the very basics of human development, encouraging mothers to disregard advice that goes against their instincts and trust in the ability to mother their children as nature intended. Many, many parents practice AP without even knowing that such a concept exists- solely by listening to their own instincts when it comes to their children.

Sadly, Ms. Marano is not aware that the very things she herself is promoting, e.g. the natural development of a bond and the ability of a child who feels securely attached to be able to separate from the parents, are the concepts behind AP. She herself says: “The goal of attachment is to provide a strong enough sense of security so that the child can go off and explore the world on his own.”, but is somehow under the impression that AP stands in the way of the attachment she speaks of.

I can only hope that future authors who feel the need to bash AP at least have the courtesy and professional ability to thoroughly research what AP means. After all, none of us want to read another Worst Article in the World.

Wrong Is Wrong

In the recent debates on spanking, I have often been accused of seeing things in black and white and not being able to grasp that there are grey zones. I consider myself someone who is much more tolerant than most, so being perceived as someone who is too closed-minded annoys me.

If in any way feasible, I try to take all sides to a story into consideration. For example, when it comes to abortion, I can fully understand and appreciate both sides of the argument and am always willing to learn about people’s opinions, etc. However, when it comes to certain other issues, there can be no grey area for me. In some instances, there is either a right or a wrong. There may be different nuances, depending on the circumstances, but overall some things are just wrong.

Which is why we have laws. In particular, human rights laws. So that, even if the circumstances are such that we can emphasize with whatever emotions led a person to act a certain way, the actions are still wrong and not acceptable within a functioning society.

There are many things which fall into this category of being wrong, e.g. murder, torture, etc. For me, the greatest wrong is that which is done to a child. Because children have no power and no voice in society to change anything.

Hitting a child is wrong. I can understand the circumstances under which parents do it. I can understand that some people cannot fathom that a child does not need to be spanked in order for him or her to learn respect and decent behavior. I can really see where all of these parents are coming from and why they act the way they do. None of this changes the fact that hitting a child is wrong.

I’ve heard all the arguments and read all the explanations- none of them matter. Either hitting other humans is right or it’s wrong. In our society, it is wrong. You cannot hit another person. Therefore, you should not be able to hit a child. Children are not property, they are human beings.

I do not care in the least how many people agree with me. The majority of people thought slavery was an excellent idea. The majority of people thought that letting women vote would be detrimental to society. Or that George W. Bush would make a good president (well, that may not have really been a majority, but it was still an unbelievably huge number)

If hitting another living being is wrong- which the law says it is, as you are not allowed to hit any adult person or any animal- then hitting a child is wrong. Period. It has nothing to do with parental choice- it should not be a parent's choice to make. The physical discipline of children should be against the law and I hope that it will be some day soon. (it already is in most of the Western world…)

“You do not lead by hitting people over the head- that’s assault, not leadership.” (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

If Spanking Were Effective

More and more scientific evidence keeps surfacing that suggests that the physical punishment of children is harmful. Just yesterday, a Canadian study found that being spanked in childhood can lead to mental illness in adult life, such as severe depression, alcoholism, etc. The AAP advises parents not to physically punish their children, as there is no known benefit and there are some very real risks.

However, I have come across so many comments all over the web today in favor of spanking that I just had to write something about it. The opinions expressed by spanking-fans sent chills down my spine, ranging from being fond of a ‘good old spanking’ to attributing every problem in this world to the lack of spanking today. One person actually said that it was all 'the liberals' fault…

Unfortunately, the physical punishment of children is still legal in the US. (It is not in most other Western nations…) Unfortunately, many parents still use physical punishment as their preferred method of discipline, especially here in the southern states. The general consensus seems to be that children will not be able to learn respect and the difference between right and wrong if they are not spanked.

I want to examine this theory a little further. The basic idea is that spanking is necessary for effective learning. A child will not be able to comprehend the message that it is being taught unless there is some sort of physical element involved.

If this were true, then I suggest we abolish all prisons and use physical punishment instead. We could have a wide range of physical punishments, depending on the crime in question. How much money that would save! No more tax payer dollars for prisons! This would free up so much money for other things. All that the criminals need is some physical punishment to teach them that what they have done is wrong. (Except that this has been tried and it doesn’t work. Also, it is against the law.)

I think it would also be important to spank in all day care facilities, schools, and universities, etc. After all, if the best way to learn is through physical punishment, then we should implement said punishment in all places of learning. That would be a wonderful encouragement for children, teens, and adults alike to really take their learning seriously. It would also make the teachers’ jobs a lot easier. (Except that this has also been tried and it doesn’t work. It is mostly against the law- some schools still allow spanking.)

Animals could greatly benefit from learning through physical punishment, as they don’t understand our verbal communication. Trainers everywhere could start spanking their animals and get outstanding results. Imagine what those dolphins at Seaworld could do with just a bit of spanking encouragement! (Alas, this practice has also been tried and found to be ineffective. It is also against the law.)

If employers were able to teach their employees to do the right thing by physically punishing them, imagine how smoothly all businesses would run. Productivity would be at an incredible high and we would see the end of this recession. (Unfortunately, this, too, has been done in the past and hasn’t worked out too well. For some reason, it is against the law.)

So you see, spanking pretty much anyone is against the law. Why? Because that’s not how a civilized society works. Generally speaking, people don’t like to be spanked or physically punished in any way (unless that’s what they’re into, but that’s a whole different story altogether)

I hate to tell you this, but children are human beings, too. And they don’t like being spanked. Ever. It teaches them nothing other than what they already know: that you are bigger and stronger than them and that you can do with them as you like. The only way they will truly learn something is if you take the time to teach it to them in a way that they are able to learn it, which is through patience, understanding, and love.

Our children are such an incredible gift. They are the most amazing, beautiful, innocent beings on this planet. Let’s keep it that way and protect them from all bodily harm.

Please also read Children Are People and Spanking vs. Hitting 

If You Want Your Old Life, Don't Have Children

If you have children, you know that your life is forever changed once you become a parent. I remember when R was about three months old and we were at the beach. Suddenly, when I realized that we couldn’t just leave the baby and run into the ocean, I understood that my life would never be the same again- it would never just be the carefree husband and I. We were Mummy and Daddy now.

What I don’t get is people who are unwilling to accept this change. People who expect their lives to go back to ‘normal’ after their pregnancies.

Babies are not something you acquire because they’re cute and can then ignore when you realize how much work they actually are. Babies don’t care about who you were before you became their mother or father, they just want your love and commitment. They want you to be a responsible adult and meet their needs while keeping them safe.

If you insist on sleeping x hours a night in a row, don’t have children. Because they don’t work that way- they don’t come with a switch and generally have no regard for what your sleep needs are. If you like living in a house in which nothing should be touched or dirtied, don’t have children. Children want to explore and feel their surroundings- they have no concept of value, sentimentality, cleanliness, etc.

It’s as if you and your partner (or you alone, if you’re a single parent) get a new roommate, whom you’ve never met before. You don’t know what he/she likes and vice versa. You also don’t speak the same language and have to learn to communicate with each other. Oh, and the new person is totally dependent on you for food, clothing, affection, safety, love, and all the other life-sustaining necessities.

Little people require a lot of hard work. However, we should never forget that we are creating a new human being for this crazy planet of ours. If you are not willing to give this child your all, every last ounce of patience, energy, love, etc, then don’t have children. Because that’s what children need- responsible parents who give all they’ve got.

(Just to clarify, this does not mean you have to lose yourself. It just means that you don’t come first anymore…)

Diaper Surpises

If you are a regular diaper changer, you have experienced it at least once: the surprise poop. That sneaky little mess in your child’s pants that didn’t even give you a warning.

You decide to change your baby’s diaper because it’s been a few hours. You grab a fresh diaper and one wipe and chase down your running baby, who has no intention of cooperating with you. However, you feel confident because it’s nothing big to change, just a little pee.

You wrestle the baby to the ground and give him something entertaining to keep him still for 30 seconds. You open the diaper and gasp- what is that?!? That wasn’t supposed to be there! There was no smell! This cannot be!

Since you have wrestled your child down in the dining room, you have no access to additional wipes. The clock is ticking- you must act quickly. You utilize the lone wipe as best you can before the child loses interest in the distractive object you gave him. In despair, you ask your preschooler to help- more wipes! A different toy! Anything that will contain the mess!

Of course, the children have no interest in making this easier. In a ninja-type roll, your baby escapes your clutches and waddles off, while your other child has realized that she can destroy the house because you are way too busy dealing with the diaper situation to intervene in any way.

You quickly gather up the diaper off the floor and try to hurry to get additional wipes before the baby sits down anywhere. While you are striding towards the wipes, you see something falling out of the corner of your eye. You have lost some of the diaper contents, which immediately takes priority over all other matters. The escapee must be retrieved at once to avoid it being stepped on, picked up, eaten, or misused in any other fashion.

Trying to keep calm, you clean up the mess from the floor. Armed with more wipes than are now necessary, you find your baby and finish the job. In the kindest of tones, you try to convince your toddler/preschooler that helping mummy is actually a great thing. And you vow to never make the same mistake again- never open a diaper without checking for surprises.

The Seven Baby B's: (6) Beware of Baby Trainers

The sixth Baby B cautions parents:  Beware of baby trainers. What Dr. Sears means are the ‘experts’- and there are too many of them out there to count- who try to make parents believe that their babies should be on some sort of fixed schedule from the time they are born. Frequently, these baby trainers are also in favor of sleep training, via letting the baby cry it our or other methods.

The whole point of Attachment Parenting is to understand our baby’s needs and to respond to those needs as best we can. Trying to make babies fit into a set of rules designed by a total stranger who has never met your baby may bring short term benefits, but could cause many problems in the long run.

For example, there are baby trainers who insist on keeping babies on a feeding schedule. Regardless of whether they are breast or formula fed, these trainers believe babies should be eating at certain times and not at others. Such scheduling methods can be detrimental to a breastfeeding relationship, causing terrible issues such as dehydration and failure to thrive in the infant, as well as problems such as low milk supply and even mastitis in the mother. The problem with schedules is that they do not take into consideration that a growing baby has changing needs and while eating every two to three hours may be the norm on most days, it ignores the fact that babies have growth spurts, for example, during which they need to eat more frequently. (The AAP does not recommend baby training methods, such as the ‘Babywise’ method, and warns parents of the negative effects they can have on the breastfeeding relationship!)

I just spoke to a friend of mine in Germany a week or so ago. She has a newborn and I was quite anxious to hear how their breastfeeding is going. She told me that her midwife had advised her to feed the baby according to the clock- not more often than every two hours, but also not less frequently than every three hours. The midwife’s reasoning behind this was that babies need to learn discipline from birth on. Thankfully, my friend told me that she quickly discarded her midwife’s advice and listened to her baby, feeding her on demand (the recommended way to breastfeed a baby)

Always take baby advice with a grain of salt. Inform yourself about who the person is giving the advice as well as what qualifications he/she has. Pediatricians, for example, are often quick to give parenting advice that has nothing to do with their medical training and is not necessarily research based. As I have sad in many posts before: Trust your instincts and question everything!

Tomorrow: Balance!

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The Seven Baby B's: (5) Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby's Cry

The fifth Baby B focuses on the Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry. Simply put, Dr. Sears wants parents to know that their babies are not crying without a reason, they are trying to communicate with their parents via the only means they have. Infants have not yet developed any verbal skills and are dependent on their cries as a way to signal that they have a need that they are unable to meet themselves.

I know many parents who believe that infants try to manipulate them and use them. Somehow these parents see their own children in a negative light from birth and are determined not to surrender ‘control’ to them. By crying, they are expressing a want instead of a need and they should learn that they can’t have everything they want.

In my opinion, children are inherently good. The idea that an infant, who is unaware that he/she has hands, cannot sit up by him/herself, etc. is a master of the art of manipulation is just ridiculous to me. For an infant, a want and a need are one and the same thing.

Not only have I always believed that a baby’s cries need to be responded to, I also think that I would be incapable of not responding to them because I cannot stand to hear my baby be unhappy. Have you ever thought about why a baby’s cries are so hard for us to listen to? Maybe nature made it that way so that parents would do everything possible to keep their baby happy…

I can’t think of too much to write about this subject other than: listen to your baby! Don’t let your baby cry! Babies should always be able to trust that their parents will be there for them, no matter what- be it in the middle of the night, during an inopportune time, etc.- it shouldn’t make a difference. Thinking of babies who are left to cry makes my heart ache and my stomach knot up.

Tomorrow: Beware of baby trainers.

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The Seven Baby B's: (4) Bedding Close to Baby

A slightly controversial topic, the fourth Baby B is Bedding close to baby. Unfortunately, co-sleeping has gotten a bit of a bad reputation and many parents are terrified when they so much as hear about it.

A necessary distinction that must be made is between bed sharing and room sharing, both of which are considered co-sleeping. Bed sharing involves the obvious- parents sleeping on the same surface as their children. Room sharing, on the other hand, has baby sleeping in the same room as the parents, but on separate sleeping surfaces.

Both of the above mentioned ways of sleeping have great benefits for the relationship between the parents and the child. Attachment Parenting followers believe that parenting duties do not end when the day is over and that the easiest way to respond to their child’s night time needs is to have him/her sleeping close by. However, close sleeping arrangements shouldn’t only be of interest to Attachment Parenting enthusiasts, as research has proven that babies who sleep in the same room as their parents have a lower risk of SIDS.

Somehow in the last decades, co-sleeping has gotten to be a practice that is not only widely unpopular in the Western World, but also often frowned upon. I wish people would take a minute to think about what human sleeping arrangements used to look like just a century or two ago. Having a separate room for every family member was an unthinkable luxury for most, and beds were often shared by many family members. Humans are certainly the only mammal that chooses to sleep away from their young. Most mothers do not feel comfortable having their baby far away from them, especially at night.

Since our modern adult beds are not designed for babies, bed sharing does have certain risks, especially when sleeping with a very young infant. However, there are several ways in which to co-sleep safely while ensuring that all parties are still comfortable, e.g. by using a co-sleeper, side-caring the baby’s crib, etc . For a list of safety precautions, please click here.

With my daughter, we room shared for about six months and then attempted to move her to her own room, mostly because my husband’s snoring would wake her up occasionally. However, when she started waking up every one to two hours a night to nurse, she quickly ended up being a constant occupant of our bed. When I found out I was expecting our second child, we decided that a king sized bed would be a wise investment…

With my son, we had a co-sleeper attached to our bed from the start. Slowly but surely, he ended up staying in our bed snuggled up to me. I especially loved this cuddle time because it was an occasion for us to just be together one-on-one (my husband was mostly passed out on the other side of the bed…)

For about a year now, we have had a great arrangement where R starts off in her own bed and then joins us in the big bed whenever she awakens- sometimes around midnight, rarely around five or six, most of the time somewhere in between. She comes in quietly, shuts the door behind herself, and squeezes in where she can find a spot. It is a lovely way to sleep together and I particularly love the extra snuggle time I get with my daughter, who is a busy toddler and not very interested in cuddling with me very much.

What I love most about co-sleeping is the extra sleep I have been able to get! Having a newborn was so much easier when he was right beside me and I could nurse him while dozing.

Tomorrow: Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry.

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The Seven Baby B's: (3) Babywearing

Babies are meant to be carried. Which bring us to our third Baby B: Babywearing. Since infants are quite immobile during most of their first year, parents have been forced to find efficient ways of carrying babies around. Unfortunately, humans don’t have much hair for the little ones to grab onto, so the work must be done almost exclusively by the parents.

Thankfully, humans are very creative and have found many different ways of carrying their babies while still having the full use of both of their hands. How, you may ask? By using different materials, such as leather, plant fibers, cloth, etc. to securely tie their babies to them.

Babywearing aides the bonding process by allowing mother and child to be close to each other, both creating physical contact as well as helping the mother-baby pair to become more familiar with each other. Babywearing also allows time to have skin to skin contact with your baby while still being able to stay mobile. Research has shown that babies who are worn often are much less fussy and do not cry as much. And you can nurse your baby in a carrier without anyone even knowing...

When I was pregnant with my first child, a baby carrier was on my baby registry. Not knowing anything about them at the time, I relied on the ratings the product had received online and thought I was purchasing a great carrier. Unfortunately, soon after having my baby, I learned that my carrier belonged to the category of carriers that babywearers like to refer to as ‘crotch danglers’. After some research, I came to find out that baby carriers in which the baby is basically dangling on a narrow piece of fabric by their crotch are not only uncomfortable (for all involved- my back was killing me and I was carrying a newborn…), they can actually cause damage to the baby’s hips and spine.

Wearing my sick baby boy in December 2011

Thankfully, there are so many wonderful carriers out there that I didn’t have a hard time finding a good alternative. There is such a huge selection available and you can choose from so many beautiful fabrics and designs. If you are interested in the subject, www.thebabywearer.com is a fantastic resource.

I still wear my 28 lb son regularly! Tomorrow: Bedding Close to Baby

If you have a babywearing post you would like to share, please link up!

The Seven Baby B's: (1) Birth Bonding

The first of the seven Baby B’s focuses on the beginning of your baby’s life and of your parenting journey. The ways in which a mother (and, of course, father) and baby interact during the first few days and weeks of its life shape the foundation of their relationship. The better mother and child are able to bond after birth, the stronger their initial attachment will be.

However, this important bonding time should not be seen as a window of opportunity that can be missed for good, should circumstances not be favorable. There are so many situations in which the bonding process cannot begin directly after birth, such as medical complications for mother and/or baby, or even adoption, etc. Dr. Sears is very clear in saying that the bonding process can start at any time in a baby’s life, which he then calls “catch-up bonding”. The time immediately after birth is not an all-or-nothing bonding chance, but more of a time in which the parent-infant relationship can get a “headstart”.

As a birth doula, I am painfully aware of the many medical interventions- some necessary, most not- that can have a negative influence on the mother and baby after birth. Some mothers feel so detached from their babies after a traumatic birth experience that the bonding process is very slow starting.

Thankfully, it is never too late to get the bond stronger. Mothers can take a number of steps that will help them feel more connected to their baby and will make the mutual love grow stronger. The most simple and essential method is bodily contact, preferably skin to skin. A wonderful way to get mother and baby to bond is to have them spend an entire day together, just by themselves, snuggled up skin to skin (this is also wonderful for the breastfeeding relationship) The scent and physical touch work wonders! Mother and baby should spend as much time together as possible- after all, they are just getting to know each other. Babywearing (which I will be writing about in a few days) makes spending extra time together especially easy. And if all else fails, the mother can revert back to her primal instincts and try licking her baby.

I had an unpleasant birth experience with my first child. I can honestly say that I felt detached from her for the first few weeks, especially due to the extreme pain I experienced while breastfeeding her and from a tear that was overlooked and not treated. None of this was her fault, of course- I had no idea what I was doing, neither when I was giving birth nor when I was handling my baby. Looking back on things three years later, I wish I had known what I know now because I still feel guilty about the lack of a bond between us in the first few weeks. Some days, it seems as though I am still trying to catch up. R and I do not have a consistent connection and I frequently struggle to keep our attachment strong…

Even though my son was born via c-section, our bond was immediate. I knew what to do, I knew what babies were like, and things just fell into place for us, even though I was recovering from major surgery while also trying to care for my almost 20 month old. I feel very attached to my son and I have so far never feared that our connection may not be strong enough. Here’s hoping I can keep it that way!

Tomorrow: Breastfeeding! If you have a post about Birth Bonding, please link up!

Extremists AKA Attachment Parents

The latest cover of TIME magazine didn’t shock me. I was surprised that they devoted their number one story to Attachment Parenting, but it was not surprising that they would use such a provocative breastfeeding photo to do it. After all, a magazine’s main purpose is to make money (no, I don’t believe that they are more interested in real journalism and the greater good) and that photo definitely got everyone’s attention!

What has been surprising to me is the hatred that has been spewed in the direction of mothers who nurse their children beyond infancy and towards Attachment Parenting followers as a whole. Because I just had to see it, I recorded the episode of The View that featured Dr. Sears the other day. I just cannot get the whole train wreck of an interview out of my head. Most of the women there looked at that poor man as if he had suggested administering heroin to your babies! The utter disgust and disrespect on their faces made me hurt all over. Not to mention the fact that they hardly let him finish half a sentence.

Most of all, I remember Barbara Walters looking completely indignant, accusing Dr. Sears of making all working mothers feel guilty. Dr. Sears tried to explain that his ideas about parenting actually had nothing to do with whether a woman works or not- they can be practiced in any situation. And at the very end of the interview I finally realized what was behind all this animosity when Barbara exclaimed that it was making HER feel guilty. All the ‘ladies’ nastiness probably stemmed from their own parenting insecurities…

As a general response to all the bad press, putting down Attachment Parenting followers and their beliefs, I can only say: You’re all being ridiculous! Attachment Parenting has been made to look like this extremist form of parenting, this unattainable model of perfection, when all it is, in the tiniest of nutshells, is this: Responding to your baby’s needs.

Attachment Parenting is not something that has to be learned or studied. It is not a new idea. It is not radical or unusual and we are not extremists. Attachment Parenting is exactly what we would all do if we didn’t have the advice of family members, books and other media, pediatricians, OB/GYNs, countless other ‘professionals’, friends, neighbors, strangers at the grocery store, etc. If a woman were to end up on an island by herself, she would handle her baby exactly the way Attachment Parenting suggests- it is instinctive parenting that can be found in each and every one of us.

I didn’t start my parenting journey as an informed mother. I had no clue what I was doing. And the advice poured in from every angle possible, tearing me in opposite directions. Everyone knew best- after all, they had all done it before and been somewhat successful. Thankfully, I was given an Attachment Parenting book and immediately a light bulb went off in my head- Yes! This is it! This is what my inner most gut feeling has been telling me to do.

As soon as I had been enlightened, as soon as someone had given me the reassurance to listen to my inner voice, I knew that it was right. My baby knew what she wanted/needed from me and she was able to tell me beautifully. Finally, I was able to give her what she had been asking me for all along!

I am passionate about Attachment Parenting and all that it includes. However, I am not an extremist nor am I some sort of radical parent. I do what I feel is right, as does everyone else in the parenting world. I write about it a lot, but I never suggest that this is the right way for everyone, nor do I say that all other ways are wrong. I wish that respect and tolerance was given to parents like myself who have chosen a different way of doing things…

Therefore, in honor and support of Dr. Sears and his wonderful concept of Attachment Parenting, I will be writing a blog post every day for the next seven days, introducing you to the seven ‘B’s of the AP style of parenting. Just to clarify: this is not meant as some sort of criticism of other parenting styles, or a how-to guide, etc. I will just be writing about what the seven ‘B’s are and what they mean to me as a parent.

Tomorrow will be the first post- all about ‘Birth Bonding’. Fellow bloggers, won’t you join me? I will have a linky underneath my post for you to submit your own blog posts on the subject.

Let’s make it a carnival in celebration of Attachment Parenting!

Do Mommy Wars Exist IRL?

In light of the recent media hype surrounding the latest issue of TIME magazine and its provocative cover photo, I have been involved in many an online discussion. While I often have a hard time taking the ‘high-road’ and just letting things go that I read online, I am actually very different in real life. Which made me think: are there really mommy wars amongst mothers?

I spend way too much time on the Internet. My iPhone has been part of my demise and I have a serious addiction to social networking sites. If I’m not on FB, I’m checking out Twitter or finding something new and fun on Pinterest. This ‘social time’ I spend on various sites is now a big part of my life. I have really good friends that I know a lot about, but have never actually met in person.

After some reflection I have come to realize that I behave very differently online than I do in person. I am actually rather non-confrontational in real life- my husband and I rarely argue and I can count the number of times I have had a fight with any of my friends on two hands. However, when it comes to the Internet, I am involved in fights daily. If it’s not about parenting, it’s about politics, or religion, or anything, really. I am a very opinionated person and my opinions are often rather extreme, so I disagree with a lot of common view points.

The thing is, the arguments I have online actually weigh heavily on me as well. I am not able to just not care about certain things that people say (unlike my husband, who couldn’t care less…) This realization made me see that my life was a lot more peaceful before I spent all this time on social networking sites. It also brought me to the issue of mommy wars.

I have had one argument with a mother about a parenting choice that has resulted in us no longer being friends. Other than that, I am not aware that these mommy wars really exist. Of course we have disagreements and differing opinions, but most mothers I know would never stop being friends because their parenting styles are different.

In the mom-groups I have been a member of, I don’t recall there ever being a ‘mommy war’. Sure, there were ladies who didn’t get along, but that had nothing specifically to do with their parenting. Not everyone gets along. Not everyone has to be friends. That applies to mothers as well as any other human being.

And so I have come to the conclusion that mommy wars actually are something the media has made up. We may quarrel online with strangers and judge them, but in real life we widely manage to get along, regardless of whether we breastfeed or formula feed, work or stay at home, cosleep or sleep separately, etc. The women I knew before I had children are still my friends, even though their parenting styles are a lot different than my own.

Have you ever experienced mommy wars?

My Poopy Job

Some days, I really feel as though my life revolves around excrement just a little too much. I understand that every creature has to poop, but I really wish they could do it somewhere where I am not present and where I am not responsible for cleaning it up.

We have two children in diapers, two dogs, and two cats. You can imagine what this means for me. My day usually starts out cleaning the litter box. On a good day, they have done all their business in the box. On a not-so-good day, I look in the bathtub and find that they have pooped in there, just for the fun of it. My dogs are not much better. They poop all over the yard and we have to go out in the heat and pick up the stinky piles. My stupid dog Amy sometimes starts running away with poop still stuck to her, then sits in it or steps in it or does something else fun to make herself disgustingly messy and my day miserable.

As the day goes on, my children usually take care of their stinkies. R is in disposable diapers (she refuses to wear cloth- so fun…) so it’s mostly relatively easy to change her. However, I always somehow end up with poop on my hand… E is in cloth diapers. Most days, the diaper changes are even easier than with R and I don’t mind them at all. But on very rare and special occasions, the mess is a little harder to deal with and I have to get creative. Let’s just say that I spent the last ten minutes with my hand in the toilet, swishing a diaper around…

I should really be used to it by now. I feel like I shouldn’t even mind anymore. But I do! I really, really do! Though I much prefer poop to certain other bodily excretions, e.g. vomit, I would much rather not have to deal with it anymore. It’s not what I thought I was signing up for. 

I’m a bit of a germaphobe. And sometimes, when there is poop coming out of the top of one of the children’s diaper and it’s on their clothes and on the floor and on their hands and on the toy they just touched and on my hands and just everywhere, I have a little anxiety attack and feel like crying. Not sure if this is normal, but it happens to me occasionally.

Thankfully, then there are days where you just have to laugh about it. Like when my daughter was a baby and I gave her some prunes to help her digestion. She was playing happily in her Excersaucer when I looked over and saw something running down her legs. At first, I didn’t even understand what it was. When I did, I just had to take a picture and have a good laugh



If you like laughing at stories about poop, check out this fabulously funny page: http://nakedpoop.com/

Letting Daddy Do His Thing

When my daughter was first born, I was completely reluctant to leave her with my husband for more than a few minutes. I was so worried about being away from her that I took showers in record speed, running out in a towel, still dripping wet, to get my crying baby. I really am a bit of a controlling person (that sounds horrible, but it’s true…) and I just couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to influence my baby’s surroundings. It bothered me when things weren’t being done exactly the way I usually did them.

Only now do I know how hurtful this must have been for my husband. It was also hindering for the father/daughter relationship. On top of that, I was making my own life much harder than necessary because my daughter would cry a lot when left with her daddy, which stressed me out and kept me from getting much of a break during the first year of her life.

I became pregnant with my second child and finally let my husband take over some of the duties. For example, he started putting R to bed each night and they really enjoyed this time together.

Suddenly I realized: daddy doesn’t have to do everything like mummy. My daughter didn’t expect him to nor did she want him to. Because daddy isn’t mummy- he is his own person and a different parent. He is daddy and he does things the way daddy does them! Now my daughter will often say to me: “No, I want Daddy to do it!”

It is important for us mothers- especially the ones who stay home with the kids and are around them 24/7- to surrender some of that control and let the daddies do their thing. After all, isn’t that what we have them for? Every child wants their daddy to be involved in their life- we need to let them!

Maybe "Fine" Isn't Good Enough Anymore

I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times from different people: “We did XYZ and our kid turned out fine!” You can hear it in connection with anything parenting related- from nutritional advice, over methods of discipline, through potty training methods, etc.

For example, one mother once told me that they gave their baby cow’s milk instead of formula and mixed in some grits so that the baby would sleep. The doctor never knew the difference! And of course, this child turned out just “fine”. (Unless you take a closer look and see that actually, the child has terrible gastro-intestinal issues that nobody can figure out and is on a whole battery of different medications.)

I could fill multiple pages with examples such as this. And the question presents itself: what do these people mean by “fine”? Do they mean alive? Do they mean that their child has not become a drug addict, serial killer, prostitute, etc.- at least not that they know of? What exactly is the definition of this “fine”, this mediocre adjective that is just “alright” or “ok”?

If we think back to our pregnancies, I think we can all agree that we have high hopes for our unborn children. That we have strong feelings of wanting to nurture and protect our children. We don’t have babies thinking that they’ll turn out to be “fine”- we want them to turn out in the best possible way.

Yet, at some point, many parents decide to settle on “fine”. Raising a child is more work than they expected and “fine” becomes a condition that sounds attractive, that is good enough. Because researching and gathering information on what the best choices are is strenuous and time consuming. Making decisions based on ones own primal instincts and in accordance with what the baby is telling us he/she needs is hard labor.

Maybe “fine” just shouldn’t be good enough anymore. Maybe we should all parent in a way that we feel is the absolute best the baby can get, no matter how much work we have to put into it. Because the people who are “fine” today have severe depression and insomnia and terrible allergies and gastro-intestinal issues and …

If all the time and energy people spent on making their family look nice to the outside world with beautiful nurseries and clothes and bows and pretty pictures was spent on what the child needs, maybe we could finally live in a world that was not just “fine”. Maybe we could be the ones to make it fantastic!

Second Child Guilt

I found out I was pregnant with my little E-man the day after R’s first birthday. I already knew I was pregnant because of the bodily changes I had noticed in myself, but I decided to keep the birthday just about my daughter and delay taking the pregnancy test until the next day.

My initial feelings were panic and guilt. The panic soon turned to joy, but the guilt remained. I felt like I was ruining my daughter’s toddlerhood. During my pregnancy, I was not always capable of keeping up with my spirited child’s needs and wants- just being bigger slowed me down physically and the tiredness slowed me down mentally.

I was very anxious about the arrival of our son. So many other mothers had suggested that two children under two would be incredibly difficult to handle. A lot of them said that I would spend much of the first year crying and being at my wit’s end.

My beautiful son was born and I had to be away from my daughter for two days. I hated it so much! Because I had a c-section, I was unable to pick my daughter up for almost four weeks. I felt like a horrible mother. I felt like I had done such an awful thing to my daughter- bringing home a new baby and being physically unable to hold her or do much of anything.

R had quite a rough time adjusting at first. However, she overcame it relatively quickly and seemed to genuinely love her little brother, despite all of the extra attention he was getting. She would sit next to him and read him books or bring him toys. She loved holding him and snuggling with him.

The first year with both kids turned out not to be that bad at all. I hit big bumps in the road at times, trying to figure out the logistics of meeting both children’s needs in our attachment style of parenting. I let R watch way too much TV, especially during the first few weeks postpartum. But I actually enjoyed it. So much so that I would definitely do it again if given the choice.

I still have days where I feel guilty. R doesn’t get 100% of my attention at all times and neither does E. Sometimes I feel as though I am depriving them of something. However, then I look over at them and I see how much they love each other- genuinely, without anyone ever having suggested to them that they should. They have a very special connection that is beyond anything that we as parents could give them. And so, I have come to the conclusion that we are a very lucky family because everything worked out just the way it should for us, even though I sometimes wish I could make a clone of myself.

A Day Without Timeouts

I conducted a little experiment today after reading a parenting post by Mayim Bialik with the title No More Timeouts, No More Tiger Moms: How to Discipline Your Kids by Disciplining Yourself. It was an article listing methods of discipline to stay away from when attachment parenting, as well as introducing methods of discipline that have worked for the author and her family. In it, Bialik suggests that the use of timeouts is undesirable in a gentle discipline environment and explained why she felt this way (side note: Ms. Bialik holds a Ph.D. in Neuroscience) It inspired me to try eliminating timeouts in our house.

I read about parenting all the time. Not because I feel lost or as though I’m searching for truth- I am actually quite confident in my parenting. However, I believe that there is always room for improvement. I love getting inspired by other people’s perspectives and views and then re-evaluating my own thoughts and behaviors.

Regarding timeouts, I have read many pieces which suggest that the timeout as a disciplinary tool is not exactly ideal. Though it is physically non-violent, it does create a detachment from the child that cannot really be considered ‘gentle’. I have been somewhat unwilling to take a closer look at my use of timeouts with my daughter because I consider it a useful tool.

However, Bialik’s article got my brain’s wheels turning again yesterday. I examined my timeout use more thoroughly and came to the conclusion that I do not dislike the tool itself- I think it can be very useful. But I did find that I tend to misuse the tool. Looking at my own behavior in relation to the frequency of timeouts for R, I could clearly see that the number of timeouts increased greatly when my mood was not good or when I was preoccupied with something else and not fully paying attention to the kids.

I wanted to put it to the test. Today, I tried my hardest to see my children in an absolutely positive light and to communicate with them frequently. I had really fun conversations with my daughter and I could see how much she was enjoying the genuine attention I was giving her. We played more games and read more books than we usually do. When I felt as though an unwanted behavior was eminent, I tried to redirect the kids’ attention to something else. It worked! Today we had a timeout free day! It was a happy and fun day.

Of course I am well aware that this may have just been a good day. I will have tired days and grumpy days and things will be different. However, I am going to make every attempt to use other tools of communication before using a timeout. I am going to give timeins a try when a necessary situation presents itself, in which you still remove the child from the situation, but do not isolate it and instead have a conversation about the unwanted behavior.

Why am I telling you all this? Not because I think you should do things like Mayim Bialik or myself. Parenting is a very personal and individual relationship that we all have to figure out for ourselves. I just want to throw ideas out there because they may give food for thought. We are all works in progress, especially as parents.