The Seven Baby B's: (7) Balance

The final Baby B is Balance. I am so happy that Dr. Sears included this in his list! As in every area of our lives, maintaining good balance is key. Too much of anything can be harmful and the same is true for ‘overdoing’ things when it comes to our parenting.

A baby’s needs must be met, there can be no doubt about this. However, parents should always remember to meet their own needs as well, be they emotional or physical. It is easy for a new mother or father to forget to take care of him or herself and end up completely burned out, which is not desirable for anyone.

Parents need to make sure that they take care of themselves, their partners, and their marriage. If either partner really needs sleep, for example, it is crucial for this need to be met. There are ways in which to meet everyone’s needs without neglecting the others- in this case, the sleep deprived parent could spend an entire day in bed, only being interrupted if it were really necessary. Or there could be a regular arrangement for each parent to sleep in on one day per week.

Balance is important in every part of our lives, but especially in the difficult journey that is parenting. Parents who feel balanced will be better able to handle the stresses of everyday life with kids. Well-adjusted individuals create a family entity that is also balanced.

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The Seven Baby B's: (6) Beware of Baby Trainers

The sixth Baby B cautions parents:  Beware of baby trainers. What Dr. Sears means are the ‘experts’- and there are too many of them out there to count- who try to make parents believe that their babies should be on some sort of fixed schedule from the time they are born. Frequently, these baby trainers are also in favor of sleep training, via letting the baby cry it our or other methods.

The whole point of Attachment Parenting is to understand our baby’s needs and to respond to those needs as best we can. Trying to make babies fit into a set of rules designed by a total stranger who has never met your baby may bring short term benefits, but could cause many problems in the long run.

For example, there are baby trainers who insist on keeping babies on a feeding schedule. Regardless of whether they are breast or formula fed, these trainers believe babies should be eating at certain times and not at others. Such scheduling methods can be detrimental to a breastfeeding relationship, causing terrible issues such as dehydration and failure to thrive in the infant, as well as problems such as low milk supply and even mastitis in the mother. The problem with schedules is that they do not take into consideration that a growing baby has changing needs and while eating every two to three hours may be the norm on most days, it ignores the fact that babies have growth spurts, for example, during which they need to eat more frequently. (The AAP does not recommend baby training methods, such as the ‘Babywise’ method, and warns parents of the negative effects they can have on the breastfeeding relationship!)

I just spoke to a friend of mine in Germany a week or so ago. She has a newborn and I was quite anxious to hear how their breastfeeding is going. She told me that her midwife had advised her to feed the baby according to the clock- not more often than every two hours, but also not less frequently than every three hours. The midwife’s reasoning behind this was that babies need to learn discipline from birth on. Thankfully, my friend told me that she quickly discarded her midwife’s advice and listened to her baby, feeding her on demand (the recommended way to breastfeed a baby)

Always take baby advice with a grain of salt. Inform yourself about who the person is giving the advice as well as what qualifications he/she has. Pediatricians, for example, are often quick to give parenting advice that has nothing to do with their medical training and is not necessarily research based. As I have sad in many posts before: Trust your instincts and question everything!

Tomorrow: Balance!

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The Seven Baby B's: (5) Belief in the Language Value of Your Baby's Cry

The fifth Baby B focuses on the Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry. Simply put, Dr. Sears wants parents to know that their babies are not crying without a reason, they are trying to communicate with their parents via the only means they have. Infants have not yet developed any verbal skills and are dependent on their cries as a way to signal that they have a need that they are unable to meet themselves.

I know many parents who believe that infants try to manipulate them and use them. Somehow these parents see their own children in a negative light from birth and are determined not to surrender ‘control’ to them. By crying, they are expressing a want instead of a need and they should learn that they can’t have everything they want.

In my opinion, children are inherently good. The idea that an infant, who is unaware that he/she has hands, cannot sit up by him/herself, etc. is a master of the art of manipulation is just ridiculous to me. For an infant, a want and a need are one and the same thing.

Not only have I always believed that a baby’s cries need to be responded to, I also think that I would be incapable of not responding to them because I cannot stand to hear my baby be unhappy. Have you ever thought about why a baby’s cries are so hard for us to listen to? Maybe nature made it that way so that parents would do everything possible to keep their baby happy…

I can’t think of too much to write about this subject other than: listen to your baby! Don’t let your baby cry! Babies should always be able to trust that their parents will be there for them, no matter what- be it in the middle of the night, during an inopportune time, etc.- it shouldn’t make a difference. Thinking of babies who are left to cry makes my heart ache and my stomach knot up.

Tomorrow: Beware of baby trainers.

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The Seven Baby B's: (4) Bedding Close to Baby

A slightly controversial topic, the fourth Baby B is Bedding close to baby. Unfortunately, co-sleeping has gotten a bit of a bad reputation and many parents are terrified when they so much as hear about it.

A necessary distinction that must be made is between bed sharing and room sharing, both of which are considered co-sleeping. Bed sharing involves the obvious- parents sleeping on the same surface as their children. Room sharing, on the other hand, has baby sleeping in the same room as the parents, but on separate sleeping surfaces.

Both of the above mentioned ways of sleeping have great benefits for the relationship between the parents and the child. Attachment Parenting followers believe that parenting duties do not end when the day is over and that the easiest way to respond to their child’s night time needs is to have him/her sleeping close by. However, close sleeping arrangements shouldn’t only be of interest to Attachment Parenting enthusiasts, as research has proven that babies who sleep in the same room as their parents have a lower risk of SIDS.

Somehow in the last decades, co-sleeping has gotten to be a practice that is not only widely unpopular in the Western World, but also often frowned upon. I wish people would take a minute to think about what human sleeping arrangements used to look like just a century or two ago. Having a separate room for every family member was an unthinkable luxury for most, and beds were often shared by many family members. Humans are certainly the only mammal that chooses to sleep away from their young. Most mothers do not feel comfortable having their baby far away from them, especially at night.

Since our modern adult beds are not designed for babies, bed sharing does have certain risks, especially when sleeping with a very young infant. However, there are several ways in which to co-sleep safely while ensuring that all parties are still comfortable, e.g. by using a co-sleeper, side-caring the baby’s crib, etc . For a list of safety precautions, please click here.

With my daughter, we room shared for about six months and then attempted to move her to her own room, mostly because my husband’s snoring would wake her up occasionally. However, when she started waking up every one to two hours a night to nurse, she quickly ended up being a constant occupant of our bed. When I found out I was expecting our second child, we decided that a king sized bed would be a wise investment…

With my son, we had a co-sleeper attached to our bed from the start. Slowly but surely, he ended up staying in our bed snuggled up to me. I especially loved this cuddle time because it was an occasion for us to just be together one-on-one (my husband was mostly passed out on the other side of the bed…)

For about a year now, we have had a great arrangement where R starts off in her own bed and then joins us in the big bed whenever she awakens- sometimes around midnight, rarely around five or six, most of the time somewhere in between. She comes in quietly, shuts the door behind herself, and squeezes in where she can find a spot. It is a lovely way to sleep together and I particularly love the extra snuggle time I get with my daughter, who is a busy toddler and not very interested in cuddling with me very much.

What I love most about co-sleeping is the extra sleep I have been able to get! Having a newborn was so much easier when he was right beside me and I could nurse him while dozing.

Tomorrow: Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry.

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The Seven Baby B's: (3) Babywearing

Babies are meant to be carried. Which bring us to our third Baby B: Babywearing. Since infants are quite immobile during most of their first year, parents have been forced to find efficient ways of carrying babies around. Unfortunately, humans don’t have much hair for the little ones to grab onto, so the work must be done almost exclusively by the parents.

Thankfully, humans are very creative and have found many different ways of carrying their babies while still having the full use of both of their hands. How, you may ask? By using different materials, such as leather, plant fibers, cloth, etc. to securely tie their babies to them.

Babywearing aides the bonding process by allowing mother and child to be close to each other, both creating physical contact as well as helping the mother-baby pair to become more familiar with each other. Babywearing also allows time to have skin to skin contact with your baby while still being able to stay mobile. Research has shown that babies who are worn often are much less fussy and do not cry as much. And you can nurse your baby in a carrier without anyone even knowing...

When I was pregnant with my first child, a baby carrier was on my baby registry. Not knowing anything about them at the time, I relied on the ratings the product had received online and thought I was purchasing a great carrier. Unfortunately, soon after having my baby, I learned that my carrier belonged to the category of carriers that babywearers like to refer to as ‘crotch danglers’. After some research, I came to find out that baby carriers in which the baby is basically dangling on a narrow piece of fabric by their crotch are not only uncomfortable (for all involved- my back was killing me and I was carrying a newborn…), they can actually cause damage to the baby’s hips and spine.

Wearing my sick baby boy in December 2011

Thankfully, there are so many wonderful carriers out there that I didn’t have a hard time finding a good alternative. There is such a huge selection available and you can choose from so many beautiful fabrics and designs. If you are interested in the subject, www.thebabywearer.com is a fantastic resource.

I still wear my 28 lb son regularly! Tomorrow: Bedding Close to Baby

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The Seven Baby B's: (2) Breastfeeding

Definitely one of my favorite subjects, the second Baby B is Breastfeeding. In case you haven’t read my blog before, this is a subject I am very passionate about and I could write a lot about. However, I won’t go into the many, many benefits of breast milk and breastfeeding for both mother and child, such as immune benefits, lower rates of allergies, diabetes, and obesity, etc., but will instead be focusing on how breastfeeding influences the mother-baby bond.

From a strictly biological point of view, the hormones that are released throughout the breastfeeding relationship, especially during actual nursing sessions, help the mother and baby feel more attached to each other.

But breastfeeding can do much more for the bond than 'just' the release of hormones! The frequent demand of infants to nurse makes the mothers stay close to their babies. During each nursing session, mother and child are in close physical contact, with at least some parts of their bodies being skin to skin. This physical closeness strengthens the bond and is (usually) highly enjoyable for both mother and child.

The breastfeeding relationship is one that has to gradually be established, just like any other relationship. The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding uses an analogy that I just find perfectly suited: it’s like two people who are learning to dance. At first, the two people have to pay close attention to each other and learn the other’s cues and movements. After a while, things are able to go a little more smoothly, but both partners still have to be aware of what the other is doing so as not to step on any toes. Once the breastfeeding relationship is well established, it is smooth sailing and nursing sessions just happen without much thought having to be put in them. Breastfeeding your baby will help to get to know your baby and his/her needs, as well as help the baby to get to know you!

Of course, not everybody can or wants to breastfeed. That does not mean that your bond has to suffer. Always maintaining close physical contact while feeding the bottle will create much of the same close attachment. It can be particularly helpful to make sure that you get a lot of skin to skin time. Propping a bottle for the baby to self feed is not recommended.

I breastfed my daughter for 15 months, until my milk dried up due to my second pregnancy. I was very sad that our nursing relationship ended as soon as it did. I have been breastfeeding my son for almost 19 months and we are still going strong. I have no intention of weaning any time soon and hope to let him self-wean when he is ready.

Extended breastfeeding is definitely a great way to maintain the close relationship to your child. Toddlers become so busy with playing and exploring that there is little time in the day to be close to each other and snuggle. A breastfed toddler, however, will have at least a few moments in the day that are reserved just for him/her and the mother, in which they can reconnect and cuddle.

I cannot tell you how much I love breastfeeding! Tomorrow: Babywearing

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The Seven Baby B's: (1) Birth Bonding

The first of the seven Baby B’s focuses on the beginning of your baby’s life and of your parenting journey. The ways in which a mother (and, of course, father) and baby interact during the first few days and weeks of its life shape the foundation of their relationship. The better mother and child are able to bond after birth, the stronger their initial attachment will be.

However, this important bonding time should not be seen as a window of opportunity that can be missed for good, should circumstances not be favorable. There are so many situations in which the bonding process cannot begin directly after birth, such as medical complications for mother and/or baby, or even adoption, etc. Dr. Sears is very clear in saying that the bonding process can start at any time in a baby’s life, which he then calls “catch-up bonding”. The time immediately after birth is not an all-or-nothing bonding chance, but more of a time in which the parent-infant relationship can get a “headstart”.

As a birth doula, I am painfully aware of the many medical interventions- some necessary, most not- that can have a negative influence on the mother and baby after birth. Some mothers feel so detached from their babies after a traumatic birth experience that the bonding process is very slow starting.

Thankfully, it is never too late to get the bond stronger. Mothers can take a number of steps that will help them feel more connected to their baby and will make the mutual love grow stronger. The most simple and essential method is bodily contact, preferably skin to skin. A wonderful way to get mother and baby to bond is to have them spend an entire day together, just by themselves, snuggled up skin to skin (this is also wonderful for the breastfeeding relationship) The scent and physical touch work wonders! Mother and baby should spend as much time together as possible- after all, they are just getting to know each other. Babywearing (which I will be writing about in a few days) makes spending extra time together especially easy. And if all else fails, the mother can revert back to her primal instincts and try licking her baby.

I had an unpleasant birth experience with my first child. I can honestly say that I felt detached from her for the first few weeks, especially due to the extreme pain I experienced while breastfeeding her and from a tear that was overlooked and not treated. None of this was her fault, of course- I had no idea what I was doing, neither when I was giving birth nor when I was handling my baby. Looking back on things three years later, I wish I had known what I know now because I still feel guilty about the lack of a bond between us in the first few weeks. Some days, it seems as though I am still trying to catch up. R and I do not have a consistent connection and I frequently struggle to keep our attachment strong…

Even though my son was born via c-section, our bond was immediate. I knew what to do, I knew what babies were like, and things just fell into place for us, even though I was recovering from major surgery while also trying to care for my almost 20 month old. I feel very attached to my son and I have so far never feared that our connection may not be strong enough. Here’s hoping I can keep it that way!

Tomorrow: Breastfeeding! If you have a post about Birth Bonding, please link up!

Extremists AKA Attachment Parents

The latest cover of TIME magazine didn’t shock me. I was surprised that they devoted their number one story to Attachment Parenting, but it was not surprising that they would use such a provocative breastfeeding photo to do it. After all, a magazine’s main purpose is to make money (no, I don’t believe that they are more interested in real journalism and the greater good) and that photo definitely got everyone’s attention!

What has been surprising to me is the hatred that has been spewed in the direction of mothers who nurse their children beyond infancy and towards Attachment Parenting followers as a whole. Because I just had to see it, I recorded the episode of The View that featured Dr. Sears the other day. I just cannot get the whole train wreck of an interview out of my head. Most of the women there looked at that poor man as if he had suggested administering heroin to your babies! The utter disgust and disrespect on their faces made me hurt all over. Not to mention the fact that they hardly let him finish half a sentence.

Most of all, I remember Barbara Walters looking completely indignant, accusing Dr. Sears of making all working mothers feel guilty. Dr. Sears tried to explain that his ideas about parenting actually had nothing to do with whether a woman works or not- they can be practiced in any situation. And at the very end of the interview I finally realized what was behind all this animosity when Barbara exclaimed that it was making HER feel guilty. All the ‘ladies’ nastiness probably stemmed from their own parenting insecurities…

As a general response to all the bad press, putting down Attachment Parenting followers and their beliefs, I can only say: You’re all being ridiculous! Attachment Parenting has been made to look like this extremist form of parenting, this unattainable model of perfection, when all it is, in the tiniest of nutshells, is this: Responding to your baby’s needs.

Attachment Parenting is not something that has to be learned or studied. It is not a new idea. It is not radical or unusual and we are not extremists. Attachment Parenting is exactly what we would all do if we didn’t have the advice of family members, books and other media, pediatricians, OB/GYNs, countless other ‘professionals’, friends, neighbors, strangers at the grocery store, etc. If a woman were to end up on an island by herself, she would handle her baby exactly the way Attachment Parenting suggests- it is instinctive parenting that can be found in each and every one of us.

I didn’t start my parenting journey as an informed mother. I had no clue what I was doing. And the advice poured in from every angle possible, tearing me in opposite directions. Everyone knew best- after all, they had all done it before and been somewhat successful. Thankfully, I was given an Attachment Parenting book and immediately a light bulb went off in my head- Yes! This is it! This is what my inner most gut feeling has been telling me to do.

As soon as I had been enlightened, as soon as someone had given me the reassurance to listen to my inner voice, I knew that it was right. My baby knew what she wanted/needed from me and she was able to tell me beautifully. Finally, I was able to give her what she had been asking me for all along!

I am passionate about Attachment Parenting and all that it includes. However, I am not an extremist nor am I some sort of radical parent. I do what I feel is right, as does everyone else in the parenting world. I write about it a lot, but I never suggest that this is the right way for everyone, nor do I say that all other ways are wrong. I wish that respect and tolerance was given to parents like myself who have chosen a different way of doing things…

Therefore, in honor and support of Dr. Sears and his wonderful concept of Attachment Parenting, I will be writing a blog post every day for the next seven days, introducing you to the seven ‘B’s of the AP style of parenting. Just to clarify: this is not meant as some sort of criticism of other parenting styles, or a how-to guide, etc. I will just be writing about what the seven ‘B’s are and what they mean to me as a parent.

Tomorrow will be the first post- all about ‘Birth Bonding’. Fellow bloggers, won’t you join me? I will have a linky underneath my post for you to submit your own blog posts on the subject.

Let’s make it a carnival in celebration of Attachment Parenting!