You Don't Have to Harden Your Heart

I am such a softy. I cry watching sad movies, I cry reading sad news, I cry when I hear a sad song. Sometimes I cry when I look at my beautiful children because they make me so happy. I’m also terrible at hiding my feelings. People can read my mood like a book. I don’t carry my heart on my sleeve, I wear it smack in the middle of my face with spotlights illuminating it.

 When my daughter started going to a mother’s morning out program almost two years ago, I couldn’t stand it. I felt guilty and everything about leaving my baby girl with someone else felt wrong. People told me I would have to harden my heart, that having children meant you had to toughen up and not get too soft about them.

I’m so glad I didn’t listen. You can say whatever you want, but I am not going to harden my heart. I am going to continue feeling my feelings without any type of filter. Quite to the contrary, I am hoping in the future to trust my feelings more than I ever have.

Honestly, I think this is one of the world’s biggest problems- the lack of feeling. If we all let ourselves feel the compassion, empathy, and love we have inside of us, how much better life would be for everyone. If we didn’t expect people from childhood on to be able to ‘control’ their emotions, maybe more people would be interested in fixing the problems we have in this world.

I want to yell at people ‘Don’t look away anymore! Acknowledge your feelings and act upon them!’ We should all listen to our hearts more and change the things that make us and others unhappy. Feel your feelings and acknowledge them- we were given our inner voice for a reason.

Wrong Is Wrong

In the recent debates on spanking, I have often been accused of seeing things in black and white and not being able to grasp that there are grey zones. I consider myself someone who is much more tolerant than most, so being perceived as someone who is too closed-minded annoys me.

If in any way feasible, I try to take all sides to a story into consideration. For example, when it comes to abortion, I can fully understand and appreciate both sides of the argument and am always willing to learn about people’s opinions, etc. However, when it comes to certain other issues, there can be no grey area for me. In some instances, there is either a right or a wrong. There may be different nuances, depending on the circumstances, but overall some things are just wrong.

Which is why we have laws. In particular, human rights laws. So that, even if the circumstances are such that we can emphasize with whatever emotions led a person to act a certain way, the actions are still wrong and not acceptable within a functioning society.

There are many things which fall into this category of being wrong, e.g. murder, torture, etc. For me, the greatest wrong is that which is done to a child. Because children have no power and no voice in society to change anything.

Hitting a child is wrong. I can understand the circumstances under which parents do it. I can understand that some people cannot fathom that a child does not need to be spanked in order for him or her to learn respect and decent behavior. I can really see where all of these parents are coming from and why they act the way they do. None of this changes the fact that hitting a child is wrong.

I’ve heard all the arguments and read all the explanations- none of them matter. Either hitting other humans is right or it’s wrong. In our society, it is wrong. You cannot hit another person. Therefore, you should not be able to hit a child. Children are not property, they are human beings.

I do not care in the least how many people agree with me. The majority of people thought slavery was an excellent idea. The majority of people thought that letting women vote would be detrimental to society. Or that George W. Bush would make a good president (well, that may not have really been a majority, but it was still an unbelievably huge number)

If hitting another living being is wrong- which the law says it is, as you are not allowed to hit any adult person or any animal- then hitting a child is wrong. Period. It has nothing to do with parental choice- it should not be a parent's choice to make. The physical discipline of children should be against the law and I hope that it will be some day soon. (it already is in most of the Western world…)

“You do not lead by hitting people over the head- that’s assault, not leadership.” (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

If Spanking Were Effective

More and more scientific evidence keeps surfacing that suggests that the physical punishment of children is harmful. Just yesterday, a Canadian study found that being spanked in childhood can lead to mental illness in adult life, such as severe depression, alcoholism, etc. The AAP advises parents not to physically punish their children, as there is no known benefit and there are some very real risks.

However, I have come across so many comments all over the web today in favor of spanking that I just had to write something about it. The opinions expressed by spanking-fans sent chills down my spine, ranging from being fond of a ‘good old spanking’ to attributing every problem in this world to the lack of spanking today. One person actually said that it was all 'the liberals' fault…

Unfortunately, the physical punishment of children is still legal in the US. (It is not in most other Western nations…) Unfortunately, many parents still use physical punishment as their preferred method of discipline, especially here in the southern states. The general consensus seems to be that children will not be able to learn respect and the difference between right and wrong if they are not spanked.

I want to examine this theory a little further. The basic idea is that spanking is necessary for effective learning. A child will not be able to comprehend the message that it is being taught unless there is some sort of physical element involved.

If this were true, then I suggest we abolish all prisons and use physical punishment instead. We could have a wide range of physical punishments, depending on the crime in question. How much money that would save! No more tax payer dollars for prisons! This would free up so much money for other things. All that the criminals need is some physical punishment to teach them that what they have done is wrong. (Except that this has been tried and it doesn’t work. Also, it is against the law.)

I think it would also be important to spank in all day care facilities, schools, and universities, etc. After all, if the best way to learn is through physical punishment, then we should implement said punishment in all places of learning. That would be a wonderful encouragement for children, teens, and adults alike to really take their learning seriously. It would also make the teachers’ jobs a lot easier. (Except that this has also been tried and it doesn’t work. It is mostly against the law- some schools still allow spanking.)

Animals could greatly benefit from learning through physical punishment, as they don’t understand our verbal communication. Trainers everywhere could start spanking their animals and get outstanding results. Imagine what those dolphins at Seaworld could do with just a bit of spanking encouragement! (Alas, this practice has also been tried and found to be ineffective. It is also against the law.)

If employers were able to teach their employees to do the right thing by physically punishing them, imagine how smoothly all businesses would run. Productivity would be at an incredible high and we would see the end of this recession. (Unfortunately, this, too, has been done in the past and hasn’t worked out too well. For some reason, it is against the law.)

So you see, spanking pretty much anyone is against the law. Why? Because that’s not how a civilized society works. Generally speaking, people don’t like to be spanked or physically punished in any way (unless that’s what they’re into, but that’s a whole different story altogether)

I hate to tell you this, but children are human beings, too. And they don’t like being spanked. Ever. It teaches them nothing other than what they already know: that you are bigger and stronger than them and that you can do with them as you like. The only way they will truly learn something is if you take the time to teach it to them in a way that they are able to learn it, which is through patience, understanding, and love.

Our children are such an incredible gift. They are the most amazing, beautiful, innocent beings on this planet. Let’s keep it that way and protect them from all bodily harm.

Please also read Children Are People and Spanking vs. Hitting 

Children Are People

I have been thinking a lot about what I feel most passionately about. I have come to the conclusion that children are more important to me than anything. I wish above all else that all the children of this world could feel safe and happy, be healthy and loved, and get to enjoy their childhood. Not only do I feel this way because children are vulnerable and innocent, but because they hold our future- the future of humanity- in their hands. Children who are treated well usually go on to become adults who treat others well.

Many things are a mystery to me in this world. Above all other things, I will never understand how people abuse and mistreat children. And yet, it happens everywhere every day- parents who abuse their own children, abusers who are foster parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, teachers, etc. I think if we were all fully aware of the extent of abuse in our world we couldn’t stand to live in it.

To counteract the mistreatment of children all over the world, an international treaty assembled for the Convention on the Rights of the Child and passed a universal law to protect the human rights of every child. Not only did the people involved in drafting this law examine what rights children should have, regardless of where they lived, they also tried to redefine how children are seen in society:

Children are neither the property of their parents nor are they helpless objects of charity. They are human beings and are the subject of their own rights. The Convention offers a vision of the child as an individual and a member of a family and a community, with rights and responsibilities appropriate to his or her age and stage of development. Recognizing children's rights in this way firmly sets a focus on the whole child. Previously seen as negotiable, the child's needs have become legally binding rights. No longer the passive recipient of benefits, the child has become the subject or holder of rights.

Excerpt taken from http://www.unicef.org/crc/index_30229.html

The law covers all kinds of human rights and makes them applicable to children, such as the right to protection; the right to health care and education; the right to “happiness, love, and understanding”. Basically, it specifies that the existing human rights are not just for adult humans, but for the young ones without a voice, too. Children are humans.

I got so excited reading about this today. Then I saw how many countries have ratified this treaty- 192!!! What an amazing number! Only two countries in the whole world haven’t ratified it yet. The first is Somalia. Somalia has a few issues at the moment, as you are surely aware, and has no recognized government that could ratify the treaty. The second country is... drum roll... the USA!

I was so shocked by this and also disappointed. The US government signed the treaty, but has not yet ratified it, which means that they are not yet bound to comply with the laws it includes. The treaty has been ratified in other countries since 2005, so this isn’t a recent development. It just hasn’t taken priority here.

My hope is that people will gradually change their view of children and see that they are full human beings, even if they are weaker and smaller. They have emotions that are just as valid and strong as those of adults. They have a right to be protected and should be the most sacred part of any society.

When the founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence, they surely did not have children in mind. “... all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." However, they also were not thinking of women, or people of other races, or men without property, or most of the humans we have included in these rights today. It's time to change our thinking. Human rights are children's rights because children are people, just like us.

Do Mommy Wars Exist IRL?

In light of the recent media hype surrounding the latest issue of TIME magazine and its provocative cover photo, I have been involved in many an online discussion. While I often have a hard time taking the ‘high-road’ and just letting things go that I read online, I am actually very different in real life. Which made me think: are there really mommy wars amongst mothers?

I spend way too much time on the Internet. My iPhone has been part of my demise and I have a serious addiction to social networking sites. If I’m not on FB, I’m checking out Twitter or finding something new and fun on Pinterest. This ‘social time’ I spend on various sites is now a big part of my life. I have really good friends that I know a lot about, but have never actually met in person.

After some reflection I have come to realize that I behave very differently online than I do in person. I am actually rather non-confrontational in real life- my husband and I rarely argue and I can count the number of times I have had a fight with any of my friends on two hands. However, when it comes to the Internet, I am involved in fights daily. If it’s not about parenting, it’s about politics, or religion, or anything, really. I am a very opinionated person and my opinions are often rather extreme, so I disagree with a lot of common view points.

The thing is, the arguments I have online actually weigh heavily on me as well. I am not able to just not care about certain things that people say (unlike my husband, who couldn’t care less…) This realization made me see that my life was a lot more peaceful before I spent all this time on social networking sites. It also brought me to the issue of mommy wars.

I have had one argument with a mother about a parenting choice that has resulted in us no longer being friends. Other than that, I am not aware that these mommy wars really exist. Of course we have disagreements and differing opinions, but most mothers I know would never stop being friends because their parenting styles are different.

In the mom-groups I have been a member of, I don’t recall there ever being a ‘mommy war’. Sure, there were ladies who didn’t get along, but that had nothing specifically to do with their parenting. Not everyone gets along. Not everyone has to be friends. That applies to mothers as well as any other human being.

And so I have come to the conclusion that mommy wars actually are something the media has made up. We may quarrel online with strangers and judge them, but in real life we widely manage to get along, regardless of whether we breastfeed or formula feed, work or stay at home, cosleep or sleep separately, etc. The women I knew before I had children are still my friends, even though their parenting styles are a lot different than my own.

Have you ever experienced mommy wars?

Prepare to Get Offended

I’m sick of people being offended by everything. You can’t use foul language, you can’t talk about sex, you can’t breastfeed in public, you can’t talk about religion, etc. all because SOMEBODY might get offended. Here’s a newsflash, people: If you’re alive, you’re going to be offended by things. Just get the fuck over it!

Please don’t think I’m referring to insults, direct attacks, inappropriate actions, racism, sexism, etc. This is not about political correctness. This is about people demanding to never feel a little uncomfortable.

The truth is that we are all in charge of our own feelings. If something offends you even though it has nothing in the slightest to do with you, e.g. seeing a woman breastfeed her child in public, then that is not her problem, it is yours! You are the one who has the negative feelings and you are the one who has to deal with them.

Don’t think that because of your own discomfort about something that things need to change to make you more comfortable. That’s not how the world works! And while there are many human rights protected by various laws and regulations, a personal right to remain unoffended is not one of them. Do you know why? Because there are people who are offended by every single thing under the sun- skinny people, fat people, blonde people, dark haired people, body hair, perfume, make-up, clothing styles, … The list is endless.

Therefore, the only thing to do is to put on your big girl/boy panties and GET OVER IT! If you don’t like looking at something, don’t look. If you don’t like smelling something, leave the room. It is nobody else’s responsibility but your own to ensure your comfort. Maybe if you educate yourself on things that make you uncomfortable you could lessen your own negative feelings.

I, for one, am done with it. If my blog offends you, don’t read it. If my words make you feel uncomfortable, you might want to look inside yourself to see why that is the case. And if you don’t want to see me nursing my child, go look somewhere else! While there is no law to protect you, there are plenty of laws to protect me and my nursing child. After all, eating is a basic human right. Spending your life in a state of never feeling offended is not.

Andy's Corner: Is It All in Vain?

My husband is not a man who is fond of communication. So I was really surprised when he sent me a Word document and told me that he had a guest post for my blog! My husband is an amazing man and I am very lucky to have him- we will be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary tomorrow. Please leave a comment and let him know what you think.

I am not a writer, this will become more obvious as you continue to read, but something happened the other day that made me question something and I needed to write about it in order to get it off of my chest. Before I get into the event that encouraged me to write this let me tell you a little bit about myself. I joined the Army when I was 17 and I am due to retire after 20 years of service this September. The job that I performed in the Army is that of an Infantryman. I have served in every leadership position from Infantry Team Leader up to Company First Sergeant. In case you do not know, the Infantry is an all-male force, most of whom are very conservative people. I am not one of those conservative people, not even close. I guess you could say I am an outlier, an observation that is numerically distant from the rest of the data.

 When the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was being debated I supported it because I feel that it is no one’s business what anyone does in their own bedroom. I believe in God, but I do not agree with organized religion, the reason why will become clear as you continue reading. I have served in a combat zone and I have had a Soldier that was under my charge not return home with the rest of us. That Soldier was truly one of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was not even supposed to be in the Army when he was killed. He was a stop-loss Soldier, basically someone who was not allowed to leave the Army because the unit he was in was supposed to deploy. When he died he left behind a three year old son whom he loved dearly. I tell you about him because of something that happened Tuesday May 8^th, 2012 and it makes me wonder: Did he die in vain? It is the passing of Amendment One to the Constitution of the state of North Carolina, the state where I grew up. People ask me why I do not want to live in the south when I retire, even though I grew up there, this is one of the major reasons. Not the Amendment itself, but the mentality that it is ok for me to deny other people their rights because my religion says so.

I have always been a very tolerant person and not super conservative like some members of my family. I believe that every American, regardless of sex, age, skin color, height, weight, or sexual orientation, should have the same rights. Obviously the people of North Carolina do not agree with my point of view, which is fine. I think that the world would be a very boring place if everyone thought the same way, but when a group of people force their religious beliefs on every member of a state I just cannot understand it. The Declaration of Independence of the United States of America states “…that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Does this new amendment not do the exact opposite of this oft quoted line of the Declaration of Independence? Did my Soldier die so that one group of people could force their religious beliefs on another group of people that denies them their unalienable rights? I think that he did not die so that this could happen. I think that as long as there are people out there who will fight for everyone’s rights then he did not die in vain. The United States prides itself on having a separation of church and state; this is obviously not the case. I hope that one day every American will have the same rights. I am sure that it will happen one day. When? I do not know. But I know that as long as people are still fighting for equal rights for everyone then my Soldier, and every other Soldier who paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country, did not die in vain.

The Stand-Your-Ground Law or The Craziest Law Ever

As I have mentioned, we will be moving to Florida at the end of this summer. The same state in which a young man, Trayvon Martin, was recently shot and killed by a man for ‘looking suspicious’ (if you haven’t heard about this horrible crime, click here for further info) The entire country has been in uproar over not only the incident itself, but also because the killer- a man who admitted to shooting Trayvon- has not been arrested. Or anything else, really. He basically told police when they arrived at the scene of the crime that he had acted in self-defense and the police said (not literally): “Fair enough. That seems true to us.” and left the murderer a free man.

I won’t go too far into the case itself, nor into the terrible racial problems it has once again brought to the surface for us to view in all its ugliness. Right now I just want to focus on how this whole incident can have happened- I mean, what went wrong in the judicial system that the killer, a certain George Zimmerman, gets to chill out on his couch (not literally, since he’s not a popular man right now, but you get what I’m saying) while the young Trayvon, who had his entire life before him, is no longer on this planet.

Shockingly, George Zimmerman wasn’t breaking the law.

You’re probably re-reading that sentence, just to make sure. It’s the truth- the Florida justice system protects people like him with their Stand-your-ground laws. Don’t believe it? Neither did I. Here is the 2011 FL Statute 776.012:

Use of force in defense of person.- A person is justified in using force, except deadly force, against another when and to the extent that the person reasonably believes that such conduct is necessary to defend himself or herself or another against the other’s imminent use of unlawful force. However, a person is justified in the use of deadly force and does not have a duty to retreat if:

(1)    He or she reasonably believes that such force is necessary to prevent imminent death or great bodily harm to himself or herself or another or to prevent the imminent commission of a forcible felony; or

(2)    Under those circumstances permitted pursuant to s. 776.013.

I hope you read it very carefully. It basically protects people from facing criminal charges as long as they “reasonably believe” that someone else is a threat to them. WHAT?!? Since when does it matter what people believe??? How can this have any place whatsoever in law? I am baffled and stunned.

Here an example of how ridiculous this law is: Let’s say I’m going to the grocery store one evening. Just me, without the kids. I’m in a bad mood and the driver in front of me is being an idiot on the road. I honk at him/her. Unfortunately, they park right next to me at the store and I can’t help uttering a smart remark such as: “Get off your phone and DRIVE!” I then proceed to rummage around in my purse in the parking lot for an item. The other person I just yelled at BELIEVES that I am in the process of looking for my gun because I seem angry and shoots me. He/she can go home and eat some ice cream on their couch while I’m now no longer alive.

Please, people, tell me that you don’t think this law is a good idea! Reasonable belief needs to be removed from the justice system- it just cannot have a rational place in law. Who cares what someone believes or feels? No offense, but a lot of people are idiots! We shouldn’t make it even easier for them to kill others.

Even more ridiculous is the fact that these people who have used some sort of force- be it deadly or not- against another human being because they ‘believed’ that they were in danger enjoy IMMUNITY from criminal prosecution and civil action for justifiable use of force, thanks to Statue 776.032. Not only are they going to continue to enjoy their freedom despite harming another person, they cannot be arrested for it- not even for the purpose of questioning.

I won’t lie, this law terrifies me. It makes me not want to move to Florida. It makes me not want to live in a place in which people have permission to kill me if they ‘believe’ that I am trying to harm them. Does nobody else see how bizarre this is?!?

My Thoughts on the Laptop-Shooting Father

Disclaimer: I have used a few not so polite words in this post. Please excuse my language!

I have been coming across the same video a lot lately on Facebook. It is of a father who, upset about a Facebook post that his daughter put on her page complaining about him and her mother, shoots multiple bullets into the girl’s laptop. I had been reluctant to watch it, fearing that I would come across something that I disapproved of. However, as the repostings got more frequent, I became too curious not to see the video for myself. If you have not seen it, you can watch it here.

First of all, I understand the father’s anger and frustration. I understand that reading his daughter’s words of disapproval probably hurt his feelings. Teenagers are sometimes difficult to identify with and deal with and it can be emotionally challenging for all parties involved.

However, I also understand the daughter’s anger and frustration. She obviously feels that she is not being shown enough respect and love in her home. She must also not feel comfortable discussing her feelings with her parents, or else she would have done so instead of writing a Facebook post.

I think the father’s reaction was ridiculously childish. Instead of being a rational adult and dealing with his feelings in an appropriate way, he let his anger take over his actions. He could have used his daughter’s message as an opportunity to reach out to her, but chose to do the opposite. He could have ‘taught her a lesson’ in a funny or witty way, but chose to go with aggression.

I find his actions in the video despicable. What he is doing is being a big bully. Using a gun to resolve any issue just  shows poor judgment and inability to communicate with others. The funny thing is that I’m sure he felt like such a badass shooting his daughter’s laptop. The truth is that any idiot can shoot a few bullets into a stationary object at close proximity- it doesn’t require any skill or thought. My 93 year old granny could have done the same thing without any issue! He made himself look like a total douchebag.

Furthermore, I find it disgusting that he needlessly destroys property. Absolutely unnecessary and juvenile. The only thing he has shown his daughter is that he cannot control his emotions and that her feelings are not as valid as his own.

Most people seem to view their children as their property until they reach the age at which they are legally an adult. What parents forget is that every human being- regardless of age- wants to feel like they are worth something and that they have at least partial control of their own lives. Destroying their property is mean and disrespectful.

From what the father said about his own childhood, he had a hard time. It sounded like his adolescence was rough and far from enjoyable. He may not have learned what parental love and respect feels like. I wish people would just take a minute to remember what it felt like to be a child, to be powerless. Maybe they would react differently to their children.

I hope that this father has not alienated his daughter beyond repair. I hope that they will one day be able to sit down together and openly talk to each other about their feelings.

To all of you who commended this father for ‘showing her who’s boss’: I hope you would never react in this way yourselves. I don’t think violence (and yes, the destruction of property with a gun is violence) is ever an acceptable solution, but I especially do not think it is the way to go when dealing with your own children.

On Becoming Color Blind

One of the things that has always been most difficult for me to understand is racism. Especially here in the southern US, it is just so strange to me that people of different ‘races’ live with each other and hate each other. There are so many biases, so many prejudices.

The very first time I visited the US we drove through downtown Indianapolis. My boyfriend at the time, who had a few days prior given me a long speech about how racial equality existed and how it was unfounded for anyone to be upset about racism, was showing me the city. We drove down a street that looked very nice, with well-kept houses and stores. Suddenly, on that same street, the houses started to look more and more run down. I was told that we were now in a ‘dangerous’ part of town. My boyfriend explained that only black people lived on this run-down part of the street. It used to be a very nice area, but then black people started moving in, which made the property value drop, which then caused poorer people to move in, and in some crazy downward spiral, everything started to deteriorate. It was the most bizarre thing I had ever heard!

Unfortunately, this was American reality. Equality exists on paper before the law, but true equality is far from being here. A lot of people like to ignore this fact, but if we are completely honest, there is still so much major discrimination based on race that it makes it hard not to laugh at people who say equality is real.

My major at university was American Studies. I have come across the issue of racism extensively in my studies. I won’t bore you with the statistics and facts. Let’s just say that the situation isn’t great. However, there is no need to look at research papers, etc. to find examples of racism. Just take a look around you and you will find it every day, in almost every place you look more closely.

I love people who tell me that they are “not a racist, but…”, followed by some anecdote about how someone of a different color/origin did something to them that they disapproved of. Or people who say that “the blacks should get over slavery”- I am still actually not quite sure what they are even referring to, as I have 1. Never heard anyone complaining about slavery; and 2. Nobody every tells e.g. the Jews to “get over the Holocaust” because that would just be ridiculous- you can’t “get over” history.

I frequently like to remind people that segregation was only officially ended a little over 50 years ago. A lot of people still remember that! Quite honestly, if it were me, I don’t think I would forgive something like that and I would continue to hold a grudge. Surprisingly, most people who lived through that time don’t seem to be angry about it…

Why am I writing about all this? Because I had a profound realization that I would like to share. I have finally understood that true color blindness is impossible UNLESS you understand one thing: there is no us and there is no them. Seeing people as belonging into categories or groups, such as race, nationality, etc, just doesn’t work. I am not like every other “white” person- there is no common identity. Sharing a similar skin tone does not make anyone a kindred spirit.

You may have come to this conclusion a long time ago, but I feel enlightened. I am finally able to see beyond boundaries that were artificially created. Let’s face it: the categories in question were all formed in a feeble human attempt to make sense of the world in which they live. Then at some point, a few white men decided that their group was superior to all others. But actually, they have no real group. Sharing skin color is not common ground. I am of the same ‘race’ as Newt Gingrich, yet I have not one thing in common with him.

I am trying to free my mind. I believe I am on the way to truly becoming color blind. Maybe Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream isn’t completely lost yet…

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction...The chain reaction of evil -- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." Martin Luther King Jr., Strength To Love, 1963

I Saw True Love Last Week

Disclaimer: If you are homophobe, please do not read!

One of my long time favorite people on television is Conan O’Brien. I have been watching him ever since he started hosting Late Night on NBC. In my opinion, his show just keeps getting better and better, despite his move to TBS late last year. (I’ve always had a bit of a celebrity crush on him, but don’t tell anyone…)

My husband and I DVR every episode because the show is on when it’s time for us to go to bed; then  we try watching them throughout the week. We hadn’t watched any episodes in a while until last week, when I saw that Conan was hosting his show from New York. I was excited to see Conan in front of a bigger audience, back in the city where his career really took flight. On the particular episode that I watched, it as announced that Conan was going to have the wedding of his costume designer and his partner on as part of his show on 11/03/2011.

I had slightly mixed feelings about this. With Conan, anything could turn into some sort of skit, so I wondered if this was going to be a wedding or just another comedy sketch. When I heard that Conan was going to be the person officiating it, I was even more skeptical, doubting the seriousness of it.

My doubts were unfounded. It was one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever witnessed! Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to see what true love looks like, find the video of that part of Conan’s show online and watch it. It was so full of emotion, so honest and straight-forward. Both A and I sat on the couch with tears in our eyes. I was so happy that these two men were so in love and were able to express this love by entering into an official, eternal commitment to each other.

I just wanted to share the joyful experience I had last week. It gave me such a feeling of hope that maybe not all is lost in the world, as long as love like this still exists. I hope some day soon, all people- regardless of gender- will be able to express their love for each other in the same way nation wide.

Critical Questions About Physical Discipline

I keep coming back to the subject of physical discipline. Because somehow it is all around me, on Facebook status updates and discussions with mothers, etc. Today I saw a video of a teenager being beaten by her father with the support of his wife. It is all over the news and has sparked new discussions on the physical disciplining of children.

If you don’t know my opinion on the subject, here it is: I think it’s wrong. Always and under every circumstance. Which doesn’t mean that I automatically dislike parents who use physical discipline. I just don’t think that it is justifiable. If you want to read more about my personal opinion, click here.

While thinking about the subject, I always stumble upon the same questions that I cannot find answers to. Please don’t take this as my wanting to hear from parents who spank- I know that people can find answers to every question in existence if given the chance to voice their opinion. I am merely saying that, regardless of the reasons people cite for their methods of child rearing, I cannot make sense of them.

For example, I often ask myself what these people would do if it were suggested to them that spanking their spouse would benefit their marriage. Would they do it? Or would they feel that this was wrong? And if they do feel that this would be wrong, why would they feel like this regarding an adult who has the option to fight back- be it directly or indirectly- but not when it comes to their children, who have nobody to turn to for protection other than their own parents?

If spanking is necessary, then how do child care facilities and schools function without it? If physical discipline is the only effective way to ‘control’ children’s behavior, how do institutions who look after numerous children at the same time cope?

Considering spanking as an effective tool for keeping humans from exhibiting unwanted behavior, why not spank people who break the law? Instead of prisons there could just be facilities in which people were physically punished for bad behavior. That would teach them not to do it again, right?

If someone were to dislike your behavior, would it be acceptable for them to physically discipline you, as long as they were stronger than you or had authority over you in some way?

Just some thoughts I figured I’d throw out there for the discussion that is already going on due to the above mentioned news story. In the video, the father says (yells? It wasn’t very loud, but it was more forceful than just saying it…): “I will beat you into submission!” It has had my stomach turning all day. Hey, if you want a creature to live with you who will be submissive, why don’t you just get a dog? Actually, beating a dog like the man beat his daughter would be considered animal abuse and would be against the law…

Car Seat Safety Rant

Disclaimer: I am not a saftey expert, I am just giving my personal opinion on this issue.  

Time and time again, I see parents who seem unaware of the importance of car seat safety. Even though most people in the US drive with their children in the car multiple times a week, they appear to think of car seats as more of a necessary nuisance rather than the life saving equipment that they are. I hate to be pessimistic, but accidents do happen!

According to the CDC, “Child safety seats reduce the risk of death in passenger cars by 71% for infants, and by 54% for toddlers ages 1 to 4 years” (Source:  http://www.cdc.gov/MotorVehicleSafety/Child_Passenger_Safety/CPS-Factsheet.html) I don’t know about you, but if someone told me that I could reduce my child’s chances of dying, I’d be all ears.

I can’t say this enough: if you are involved in a bad car accident, you only get one chance. You can’t go back and reposition your child or adjust the straps. You only get ONE. CHANCE. So you should make informed choices.

When purchasing your child’s seat, try not to pay attention to the design or which one looks the best. Choose the safest one for your child’s age and the car you drive. For example, if you have an SUV and don’t have to worry about space, you’ll be able to consider seats that someone with a Smart Car that hardly has any space can’t. There are several agencies that test car seats, so if you are not sure what to look for, just check out their ratings. Consumer Reports, e.g., is a great resource.

If you decide to purchase a used seat, make sure you verify that the seat was never in a car crash. Also check the expiration date of the seat- there is a sticker underneath the fabric that will have either the expiration date or the date of manufacture. Car seats expire six years from their date of manufacture and should no longer be used.

Personally, I would only buy a used car seat if I knew the person I was buying it from. I would not trust a stranger to be honest with me regarding the seat’s history. Car seats are such a small expense when you think of the amount of use they get. They are definitely one of the most important items you need for your child.

However, even the best of car seats is of little use if it is installed incorrectly. Parents, I beg you to read the instructions carefully and follow them! In cars that have the LATCH system, putting a car seat in is not too difficult. If you are unsure of your installation result, find someone who will double check it for you. Usually, someone at your local Department of Motor Vehicles or the fire station will be able to make sure your child’s seat is installed the way it should be.

One mistake we made when we turned my daughter’s car seat from rear to front facing is that we didn’t attach the tether strap to the appropriate anchor because we hadn’t read that part of the instruction manual. Thankfully, we weren't in an accident. After I read in an article to always read your vehicle’s manual as well, we found out that we cannot install a car seat using the LATCH system in the middle, but would have to use the regular seatbelt for installation in the middle position instead. We moved the seat to one of the side positions. Be informed- read all the manuals carefully!

Once you have installed your seat safely, it is time to learn how to strap your child in correctly. It is very important to ensure that the straps are not twisted and that they are adjusted to your child each time he/she gets into the seat. The straps should be very snug! A lot of parents are concerned that their children may not be comfortable enough and leave the straps too loose. This can be very dangerous, since the child- especially a very small infant- can slip right out of the straps in the event of a crash if the harness is not tight enough. Also, always make sure the chest clip is used at chest height. It should sit between nipple and armpit level.

Especially in winter time, avoid putting your child in the seat wearing a jacket or coat. Anything that sits between your child and the harness hinders the straps sitting properly. In the event of a crash, the jacket or coat will become compressed and practically non-existent, so that the fit of the safety harness will be too loose, putting your child in danger.

The most important piece of advice I have been given is to keep the car seat rear facing as long as possible within the weight limits allowed by the car seat specifications. The AAP altered its recommendation and now also suggests that parents keep their children rear facing as long as possible, at least until the age of two. I know many parents believe their children cannot be comfortable because they are unable to stretch out their legs completely while sitting in the car and turn their children to forward facing as soon as it is legally possible. While I understand this concern, I have to say that children who are always kept rear facing and don’t know any different do not mind sitting with their legs at a slight angle (I would sit like that myself if I could…) The most pressing argument for keeping your child rear facing is that it is FIVE TIMES safer! Again, anything that keeps my babies safer has my undivided attention. You only get one chance…

There are millions of great websites with wonderful tips on car seat safety. My favorite compilation can be found at http://www.drmomma.org/2010/02/common-car-seat-errors.html. Go take a look at them! Read your seat’s manual, even if you’ve been using it for ages. Read you car’s manual, just to be on the safe side. If you don’t like your child’s seat, buy a new one. We all want out children to be safe- don’t take any chances!

For the Convenience of It

I am becoming increasingly irritated with the carelessness of consumers nowadays. Judging by the products available on the market, people have gotten lazier and lazier. Even though our lives have been greatly improved by machines that wash dishes and clothes for us, heat our food without supervision being necessary, etc, somehow there seems to still be room for improvement.

When I looked through the coupons the other day, I saw a new product being advertised that immediately caught my eye. It’s a liner for your pans that is foil on one side and parchment paper on the other. The idea behind it is for you to line your baking dishes, casseroles, etc. with this foil to avoid the strenuous cleanup after cooking. Are these people serious? Have they heard about a little pollution problem that we’ve had on this planet in recent years?

I had been under the impression that people were increasingly looking for ways to be more green and avoid unnecessary waste. Clearly, I was mistaken. As it turns out, people are still looking to improve (?!?) their own lives by making everything just a tad more convenient.

Another ad I have seen a lot lately is one for disposable hand towels. Instead of using a regular towel, the ad suggests that you should just have the easy dispenser in your bathroom for your hand-drying needs. The ad implies that conventional hand towels are full of nasty germs and filth.

Here’s a little suggestion for the target audience of both the above products: WASH THE DAMN THINGS!!! If your dishes get dirty, wash them! If they’re really dirty, soak them for a little bit and then wash them. If you fear that your towel might be full of bacteria and grime, take it off the hook in your bathroom and wash it! You may even want to develop a towel-washing routine that will help you eliminate the risk of nasty towels altogether by taking the proactive approach of washing the towels regularly.

I am just in utter disbelief when it comes to ridiculous products like this. Why would anyone go from good, reusable, cost efficient products to disposable garbage that costs them additional money? Why are these companies and the consumers of these products indifferent when it comes to the obvious environmental concerns?

The answer has to be laziness. People are attracted to products that promise to save them a bit of time, even if it is only a few seconds. They don’t want to have to wash their dishes or their towels. They would rather have that extra time to spend in front of the computer or TV.

I am trying to go the opposite way- I am gradually changing as much as I can within our household from disposable to reusable. I want to save money, I want to be greener. I also don’t want to be completely lazy anymore…

Dear Dr Pepper, What The?!?

So, I’m sitting at home, watching ESPN with my husband, when a commercial catches my eye. It is a commercial for Dr Pepper Ten. Have you seen this, dear ladies? Here is the plot: Some men are driving around an action movie in a Jeep-type vehicle, drinking a soda. The man with the soda is telling the camera about what men want, amongst these things is said ‘manly’ beverage. He mentions that women can keep their romantic comedies, etc. to themselves and then, the new slogan pops out of his mouth and onto the screen: “It’s not for women”

My jaw literally dropped. I had to re-watch the commercial to make sure I wasn’t imagining things. Have the people at the Dr Pepper Snapple Group lost their minds? Did they just honestly tell me that one of their drinks is made to be consumed solely by men? How is this ok with everyone?

Let’s look at this rationally. The product they are selling is a soft drink. A soda pop. A carbonated beverage. Water with some artificial flavors, colors, and caffeine mixed in. And somehow, it is more masculine than other drinks. You’re probably just as confused as I was at this point.

As I just found out, diet sodas are mainly consumed by women. Therefore, Dr Pepper had the brilliant idea to make a light soda that will appeal to male consumers as well. They did not decide to do this subtly, like their competition Coke Zero or Pepsi Max, through ads that are marginally sexist, but instead went full steam ahead and are blatantly saying that this particular drink was produced for the sole consumption by men. Not because there is anything in the soda that wouldn’t be suitable for females to drink, but because they are trying to target a new market.

Well, dear Dr Pepper people, I received your message loud and clear! I will never again purchase one of your beverages- the men of this world can have every single one of them. Please know that I will also not be buying the sodas for anyone else in my household, including the two males. Furthermore, I will let every woman I know not to purchase any more of your artificial crap drinks because clearly we women are not important consumers in your opinion.

My husband doesn’t quite understand why I’m upset. It’s just a joke, they’re just kidding. They’re not doing any harm by saying these things. A few years ago, I may have agreed with him. Because I consider myself a strong woman who is more than able to take a good joke. The problem is that this isn’t a good joke, or even a mediocre one. It’s not witty, it’s not imaginative, it’s just blatantly in bad taste.

When football is on TV, it is all testosterone on the set. There are countless other companies who make fun of women or feminine traits. I just watched a commercial for Miller Light in which one of the male beer drinkers is being accused of having done something ‘unmanly’. Again, my husband doesn’t understand my disgust with such tomfoolery, such 'innocent' banter.

What exactly does ‘unmanly’ mean? If something is not manly, it is womanly. So, if being ‘unmanly’ is undesirable that means that being womanly is undesirable. It means that being a woman or feminine is not as good. It is not worth as much.

I live in a world in which there is supposed equality, which of course is completely untrue. In my world, my church is controlled exclusively by men- women are not allowed to be priests or anything else of importance. In my world, I have never had a female as my highest boss- they have always been men. In my world, there are things that women ‘just don’t do’ because it is not socially acceptable. In my world, there has never been a female president of the USA. In my world, there has to be a Women’s History Month because every other month is reserved for men’s history. In my world, most sports on television are played by men, with women not even allowed to participate.

There is no equality. In my honest opinion, most men feel superior to us women. As you all know, we make up more than 50% of the world’s population! Why are we letting this happen? It is a mystery to me. Either way, in my world, there will no longer be any Dr Pepper. I hope you other ladies will follow suit.

DIY Toddler Juice

A few months ago, I saw an ad for this miraculous juice formulated just for young children. Not only did it contain 100% juice, it also promised to somehow have 40% less sugar than regular juices. I was intrigued. Had they found a super special scientific way to remove sugar from fruit juices? If so, that would be groundbreaking!

I checked out the juice in question at the store. I will not tell you the brand name, but I will say that it may or may not rhyme with ‘Spots for Bots’ (Cunning and not obvious, I know…) So, this wonderful beverage was a little steeper in price than its full-sugar counterparts, but I thought that was fair, considering the scientific work they had done to produce this sensational drink. Also, a renowned pediatrician, whom I really respected, endorses the juice.

As with all other foods and drinks I purchase, I read the ingredient list. I almost fainted! As the company had promised, the juice did in fact contain 40% less sugar than its competitors. Because it was DILUTED!!! Here is how they describe their own beverage to customers on their website: “We've blended delicious juice with purified water and 100% vitamin C…”

Are you friggin’ kidding me?!? Are you telling me that you would like consumers to pay more for the juice that you have thinned out with water?!? Ridiculous! An absolute impertinence, I thought to myself. Nobody will ever buy it.

But people are buying it. Parents everywhere are trying to do something good for their children and give them a lower sugar alternative to juice. They are purchasing this rubbish because they don’t usually read labels and they don’t know that they’re being played by this major corporation and swindled out of their hard earned money.

In my opinion, this is unacceptable and immoral. So, I am going to help you make your own toddler juice. It’s very simple: Buy regular apple juice or other juice of your choice; fill your child’s glass or cup with 60% of the juice (a little less than 2/3); fill up the remaining 40% with water. Voila! You have now created a juice that contains 40% less sugar.

Of course, if you do not have enough time to make your own, go ahead and buy the expensive diluted juice. However, if you are like me, I would rather never drink juice again than give my money to these dishonest con-artists. I am choosing to make my own- I hope you will, too! Maybe I’ll even develop a new formula with 50% less sugar! It will be a groundbreaking invention that will earn me millions of Dollars…

We Need A New Feminism

A lot has been happening lately to prove that women are still not equal to men in our society. Though they are afforded the same rights on paper, women are not treated the same as men. I hear all you critics already: ‘But women are equal! What else do you want?’ These are the same people who will assure you that racial equality also exists. In theory, i.e. before the law, etc., we are all the same. However, in reality, sameness is still more than far away when it comes to peoples’ hearts and minds.

The other day, I read about a T-shirt that was for sale at JCPenney. The shirt read "I'm too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me." Thanks to an outcry of angry parents, the shirts are no longer available for purchase through their stores. However, I read many people’s comments who basically thought that the shirt was harmless and all in good fun.

I’m sure that whoever it was who came up with the slogan for this T-shirt had no bad intentions and truly believed it to be witty and cute. The problem, however, lies in the values that we are teaching our children. Though the message isn’t blatant, it is still very obviously there: It is more important to be physically attractive than intelligent; attractive girls cannot also be intellectually inclined.

Is this really what you want your daughters to think of themselves and others? I know what my answer to that question is, but I am beginning to question other people’s thoughts on the matter. If you don’t see the sexism in this slogan, try picturing it on a shirt for boys. Would such a statement be made about a boy?

A couple of days later, I came across a Yahoo! story on a photo shoot that was done with Heather Morris, one of the stars of the hit TV show ‘Glee’. In these photos, Morris has a huge black eye and is posing with household items, such as an iron, and is wearing fifties-style clothing, suggesting she is a housewife (or homemaker, etc.- just insert whatever term you find least offensive) In one particular photo, her hands are tied with the cord of the iron, and a male hand is pulling on the iron itself, while Morris is grinning into the camera. Click here to see a few of the pics.

Once again, there was an outcry from people who took offense to these photos, upset by the fact that they obviously make fun of domestic violence. The photographer seems oblivious to any such intent, stating that all he wanted to do was “… to do a bruised-up Barbie shoot and that’s exactly what we did!” I’m not sure what the photographer’s explanation of her black eye would have been- maybe she hurt herself while ironing? Either way, I think the photos are in bad taste, to say the least. Not only are they ridiculing abused women, they are also offering some nice material for abusers to look at and admire.

What I think we as women need is a new kind of feminism. Not the old nutty kind where we sit around and talk about silliness, such as making sure we no longer call members of law enforcement policemen or women, but persons or officers (I hope you know what I mean- I couldn’t think of a better example. I went to a German feminist group a few times and had to stop going because all they wanted to talk about was why words such as ‘the chair’ had a male instead of a female article in German…)

We need to start recognizing our awesomeness and make our marks on this world. All the women I know are just amazing superhero-type ladies, who raise their children, take care of their homes, cook, bake, sew, read, never sleep, etc. all while keeping their families together and looking wonderful! Honestly, the responsibilities of the modern woman far exceed any notions of multi-tasking. We are all superwomen and it is time we owned it!

Dear men, please stop looking down on us women because you think your physical strength makes you superior to us. It doesn’t. If you want to see truly amazing physical strength, watch a woman give birth. You may be able to excel on the football field, but we can make new people. True, we need about three seconds of your participation for that, but I am convinced that one day, with the advancement of science, even that will no longer be necessary.

For centuries, women have stood back and let men handle things. I have been wondering, why?; I have come to the conclusion that women just weren’t all that interested in being a part of man’s world before now. Women have had their priorities in other places. Times are changing, though. And I am sure I am not the only one who is tired of having a ‘Women’s History Month’ and special categories on Jeopardy such as ‘Women Writers’. We make up slightly more than half of the world’s population. It’s time we stopped acting like a minority of inferior creatures. Dear ladies, let’s get into politics, let’s get into religious positions, let’s take charge! It is still a man’s world, but it is ours for the taking…

Disclaimer: I am not implying that only women who have children are awesome. ALL women are fantastic in my opinion. Childbearing just stood out to me as an example and I do not intend to hurt or offend anyone.

I am not trying to degrade men. You, too, are awesome. However, you have oppressed women for centuries- millennia, even. We do not want to push you out of the way- all we want is to finally be on the same level as you guys…

Priorities

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about our world and our society. Most of the time, things just don’t make sense to me. I spend hours turning thoughts over in my head, but never come to much of a conclusion.

I have been wondering about our priorities. We live in a world of luxury, while around one billion people are without food and/or water. 1,000,000,000 people! Does that make sense? Not in the least!

Especially when I see that the beer my husband drinks comes in a bottle with a new and improved bottle neck. Really? How much money was wasted ‘perfecting’ the shape of this bottle neck?

Such a huge number of people in the world have nothing, yet our society is spending money on research trying to find things that are so unimportant, like the best tasting toothpaste. Or ways in which our lives will be made ‘easier’, where we will have to move our muscles even less and have our butts grow even bigger.

You may think that I’m making generalized statements. That is true, but maybe we have to start ignoring the complexities of all the systems that are in place in the world to be able to see more clearly. There is no reason why anyone in this world should be hungry- there is enough food for all. Politics and economic boundaries are keeping hungry people from receiving food.

I want to start setting my priorities straight. I don’t care what my toothpaste tastes of or how many cups I can comfortably fit into cup holders in a prospective car. I want there to be healthy, fed people living on this Earth. I don't want any child to have to be without love and protection. I want the planet we live on to be kept healthy. Very simple.

These priorities seem overwhelming at first. For years, I have told myself that there is not much I can do about the state of the world. My opinion on this has been altered. Each one of us has the power to make changes- be it big or small ones. The most important thing is to understand your own priorities, then to start acting upon them. It’s time to stop feeling intimidated and to start making our voices heard.

Where do your priorities lie? What changes would you like to see in the world?