Monday, January 30, 2012

The Truth About Being a Mother

This is for mothers-to-be and mothers who already are. Nothing can possibly prepare you for motherhood. Until you have that little baby in your arms, you have no earthly idea of what you are in for. Because I am such a nice person, I am going to give you future mothers a little sneak peek of the things you get to look forward to. This is a typical morning in my house.
It is 6 am. I am desperately trying to nurse the baby back to sleep. The bedroom door opens and my daughter comes in, then climbs into our bed. I think that if I just lie still enough, maybe everyone will go back to sleep. My son, who was ALMOST asleep, pops his head up and looks for his sister. The two siblings start playing on top of me and even though I am being hit by multiple elbows, knees, feet, and other body parts, I am still clinging to the idea that I might be able to sleep some more if I just lie there pretending to sleep. My daughter sees right through this and screams: “Mummy, it’s morning time!!!” right in my ear.
Alright, I’m up. I go to the bathroom, accompanied by two little voyeurs. I attempt to get dressed. It takes me forever because the closet has a huge pile of shoes in the middle of it (my children were making a mountain), my daughter keeps urging me to ‘try her birthday cake’ which is in actual fact a tube of toothpaste, and my son is taking used tissues out of the trash and either eating pieces of them or tearing them up, leaving a trail of tissues bits all across our carpet.
After I have successfully thrown on something that makes me look halfway decent, it’s time to find clothes for the kids. Then comes the task of getting everyone down the stairs safely while carrying a huge pile of items that will be needed throughout the day. One of the dogs refuses to come with us, as usual, and my daughter is calling her repeatedly in hopes that today the dog will actually come downstairs like any other sane animal would.
We have made it to the lower level of our house without anyone hurting themselves. I enter the kitchen and find cat vomit all over the floor. I must now get it cleaned up without either of the children coming to inspect the mess. At this point, my daughter decides to try climbing over the stair gate (which is leaned against the stairs because we just got downstairs) which falls on top of her. The world is now ending and she cries inconsolably. Not only was she hurt, but she also wants to put her clothes on, get cuddles, have apple juice, and eat breakfast. It is a major tragedy, but I must step away to clean up the cat puke before my son eats it.
The kitchen floor is restored to its semi-clean state and the daughter-calming can begin. Of course, my son starts wailing because I am completely neglecting him while trying to comfort R. Both children are screaming and the cats are meowing for their food. I somehow maneuver them into the living room and get them dressed. This is a long process because the boy keeps running off naked and the girl hates every article of clothing she owns. After multiple meltdowns and three different shirt attempts, both children are somehow dressed and ready to be fed.
Finally, after what seems like a marathon run, everyone is sitting down, eating breakfast somewhat quietly. The children are happy, smiling, singing little songs, and all is good again in the world.
Basically, having children is like living with schizophrenic anarchists. It is absolute chaos, their emotions are all over the place, they are completely different people from one moment to the next, etc. And then, they give you a hug and a kiss. Unprovoked, just because they love you. It’s the best thing in the world- it cannot be bought, it cannot be forced. Receiving a child’s unconditional love is the best thing you’ll ever experience. This is why mothers get up in the morning and deal with the same madness all over again. Mothers-to-be, you’re going to love it!


  1. I found you on twitter by searching for parenting humor, and I'm glad I did - this is a great blog you have here. I'll be a regular visitor. Thanks for following me on twitter. I think you're my first non-family, non-spam for a porn site follower, so you'll always have a special place in my heart. ;)

  2. I haven't gone to the bathroom at home by myself in more than a year. My daughter thinks it's our "chat" time.