I haven’t written much lately. I’ve felt progressively more down over the past weeks. Actually, ever since E was born, I’ve been somehow painfully aware of the fragility of life. For some reason, I cannot stop thinking about death. And I’ve become increasingly obsessed with it. When I wake up in the middle of the night, the first thing that pops into my head is the thought that all of our lives will come to an end at some point.
In the night, when my thoughts revolve around mortality, I have almost an enlightened clarity of the truth about our earthly existence. I can feel my inner clock ticking and have images of what it will be like when my time is up.
And I panic. I find it hard to sleep. Increasingly, I have been catching myself questioning the sense of it all. What point can there possibly be to life when it can be over in a split second, never to return? Why do we spend so much time worrying about nothingness when our time is so limited?
To be honest, I am terrified of death. Not necessarily of being dead, but the process of getting there. It’s just so scary to me. The worst thing is that death is something that is utterly unavoidable and beyond my control. I don’t do very well with situations that I cannot influence…
The thing is, I love my life! I love everything about it. I love my husband and my children and our animals and my family and my friends… the list is endless. I feel like I am truly happy. I am healthy and have so many freedoms. I don’t want things to change. I guess I feel as though things can only get worse from here. I am so lucky, so fortunate, so blessed. However, I know that nothing lasts forever.
I am trying very hard to cope with my fears and dark thoughts. I have every intention of living my life to the fullest for as long as I can. You only live once, right? (At least, that’s what most of us believe- I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…)
I often wonder why I think like this. Of course, there is absolutely no use in thinking excessively about death- it is unpreventable and unavoidable. Rationally I know this. Yet somehow, I always come back to the same place when I wake up during the night and often during the day, too. And I’m fed up with it! I’ve been trying to find a remedy- I’ll let you know when I’ve found it.