I have always liked being in control of my surroundings. I like making lists and organizing things. Which makes me a fabulous administrative employee. Professionally, I have always been appreciated for my thoroughness and accuracy. I used to know what needed to be done, when it needed to be done by, where it was in the process, etc. I have never liked losing control, which is why I hate flying. I have no power over what happens thousands of feet in the air.
Now I don’t go to an office anymore. I stay at home with my children and work as their caretaker, cook, cleaning lady, entertainer, nurse, etc. And I have completely lost control. Children are not exactly easy to steer and they certainly do not care about any lists of mine when it comes to how I would like things to go.
My house is dirty and messy a lot of the time. There is laundry everywhere upstairs. There are toys strewn all about the living room. My daughter has dried cheese in parts of her hair because she wouldn’t let me wipe it off. Just yesterday, I completely failed at nap time. My daughter was screaming in her room because she has a cold and feels miserable. My son was screaming because he wanted to nurse and fall asleep. I attempted to get them both in the bed with me, my daughter lying on top of me while my son lay beside me nursing. My son was able to fall asleep, but my daughter was up for good. She really needed to sleep and I wasn’t able to help her. It’s hard, I can’t split myself in half. Often times, I have no control in this house.
But who am I telling this to? We all know what it’s like! Some of us just manage better than others (I’m talking to you amazing ladies with three, four, five children, twins, etc.) I remind myself of how blessed I am and how great we have it. I am happy, that’s not it. I just need to learn to let go of my desire to be in charge and on top of things because I never am anymore. I don’t miss work, but I miss being good at something and not chasing my own tail constantly. Maybe some day I will have the perfect house that is always clean and put away, animals who behave themselves, children who don’t throw temper tantrums, I could go on forever. Until then, I need to let go and just enjoy the incredible journey that is motherhood.