I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times from different people: “We did XYZ and our kid turned out fine!” You can hear it in connection with anything parenting related- from nutritional advice, over methods of discipline, through potty training methods, etc.
For example, one mother once told me that they gave their baby cow’s milk instead of formula and mixed in some grits so that the baby would sleep. The doctor never knew the difference! And of course, this child turned out just “fine”. (Unless you take a closer look and see that actually, the child has terrible gastro-intestinal issues that nobody can figure out and is on a whole battery of different medications.)
I could fill multiple pages with examples such as this. And the question presents itself: what do these people mean by “fine”? Do they mean alive? Do they mean that their child has not become a drug addict, serial killer, prostitute, etc.- at least not that they know of? What exactly is the definition of this “fine”, this mediocre adjective that is just “alright” or “ok”?
If we think back to our pregnancies, I think we can all agree that we have high hopes for our unborn children. That we have strong feelings of wanting to nurture and protect our children. We don’t have babies thinking that they’ll turn out to be “fine”- we want them to turn out in the best possible way.
Yet, at some point, many parents decide to settle on “fine”. Raising a child is more work than they expected and “fine” becomes a condition that sounds attractive, that is good enough. Because researching and gathering information on what the best choices are is strenuous and time consuming. Making decisions based on ones own primal instincts and in accordance with what the baby is telling us he/she needs is hard labor.
Maybe “fine” just shouldn’t be good enough anymore. Maybe we should all parent in a way that we feel is the absolute best the baby can get, no matter how much work we have to put into it. Because the people who are “fine” today have severe depression and insomnia and terrible allergies and gastro-intestinal issues and …
If all the time and energy people spent on making their family look nice to the outside world with beautiful nurseries and clothes and bows and pretty pictures was spent on what the child needs, maybe we could finally live in a world that was not just “fine”. Maybe we could be the ones to make it fantastic!
love your post as always Vivien!!
ReplyDeleteThere are two aspects of this philosophy that occur to me. One is physical, and yes, "fine" isn't really good enough when it might actually be endangering kids. My mother gave me a type of baby syrup in my pacifier when I was a (high maintenance baby), at the doctor's suggestion. At the age of ten, almost every tooth in my mouth was filled, yet my younger brother and sister have barely a cavity between them. I turned out "fine" but my dental bills are killing me.
ReplyDeleteOn another level however, sometimes as a parent you have to settle for fine. Yes, they've been studying the violin for 6 years, but they'll never make it past the school orchestras, for example. No matter how much money you are prepared to shell out for lessons, or how much schlepping in the car you commit to, sometimes in those instances parents, have to take a step back and settle for "fine".
Of course, our kids aren't going to turn out perfect, no matter what we do.
DeleteThank you for reading!
I don't know if "fine" was ever really good enough! Our parents or grandparents are probably just trying to be encouraging, telling us not to stress so much about the little things. But, it does seem like sometimes those little things aren't so little.
ReplyDeleteAs someone with severe GI problems who was fed condensed milk as a baby, your post definitely hits a nerve. My mom didn't necessarily know better but I do. So I strive for the best I can possibly do and hope it's enough.
ReplyDeleteThat's all we can do- try our best :-)
DeleteThank you for reading!
It wasn't just the milk. The grits were a problem too. Actually, it's coming out that feeding your kids grains as their first food, even rice, is a terrible idea.
DeleteI agree with Expat Mum.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up, my neighbor's 5yo son died because he wasn't strapped into a car seat and was throw from the car in an otherwise minor accident. He's not around to say, "I didn't grow up fine because of the same thing you did." That's the thing: a lot of times the people who didn't grow up fine aren't even here to lodge the other side of the argument.
But yes, with other decisions, moderation is sufficient. I had some ice cream and sweets growing up to balance healthy meals. I spent a few Saturday mornings in front of the tv and most other time outside running around. I turned out fine.
Moderation is always a good idea :-)
DeleteThank you for reading!
Most grandparents, like me, tried our darnedest to be better parents than our own. We read and researched and worried and fretted about doing the right thing for our children. Our own parents told us to relax everything will turn out just fine.
ReplyDeleteFunny how many of those things we embraced as improvements are now unsafe or scorned. (peanut butter or honey, for instance. Not carseats.) Sometimes it hurts to hear a grown child reject everything we did as wrong. We know you are doing the same thing we did: trying to do the very best for your child.
"You turned out just fine," may just be a defense mechanism, it may be reassurance for you, or it may be a signal that grandma needs reassurance too.
When I looked at it from your perspective, I had no idea just how much grandparents love their grandchildren. We want everything to be more than just fine, too.
I'm sorry if I gave you the impression I was writing about grandparents. I was actually referring to my fellow parents, who choose options that they know are not ideal, justifying them with the "fine" argument.
DeleteThank you for reading!
This is very, very true and I think about this all the time when talking to my mom.
DeleteI know she didn't have the same info we have now, the same studies and research, but even so, to think that you possibly jeopardized a child - even unknowingly - is something no parent wants to think about. Or even admit.
And in 20 years, there will be some other study that will reveal that something we thought was okay, really wasn't. At the same time we should weigh "I turned out fine" heavily without looking at research and then making our own good decisions, we should be sensitive when talking to people who raised their children differently with different information. Whether from another generation or another culture. In some cases, they did what they did, and for their time and place, it really was fine.
I was thinking about this too - much of the 'he was just fine' comments I have heard were actually from grandparents, but it has also occurred to me that every snide comment I may have made about 'can you believe they used to do that!' is so insulting to these mothers who - as many writers here have said - really wanted to do what was best for their children also. I have tried to learn to be sensitive to that while not compromising my own views on what is best for my children. And just as they have experienced - it will probably happen that many of the things we do will be seen as horrific to our children and their children someday also and we won't be comfortable hearing that. Life just works that way.
DeleteIt always amazes me the unwelcome advice I get - mostly because someone asks me a question not on information I volunteer. Or else from a quick note on facebook in a moment of frustration. I think it is fascinating how people can give you advice and when you disagree they say "Well it worked for me!" or "My kids turned out just fine!" I'm sure it did and I'm glad they have, but I respectfully do NOT let my child CIO, feed her rice cereal (or any grains even though she is almost 1 year), give her formula instead of breastmilk (when we had issues in the beginning) and the million other things you did that I don't decide to do. I am the one doing the research and reading all I can to make sure my daughter is healthy and happy and raised as best I can. Sometimes I think people don't understand that there HAS indeed been progress in the last 50 years!
ReplyDeleteAlso, so true what someone said about being careful with our own parents -- my mom was hurt by some of the decisions I made that aren't what she did, and I want her to know that I don't make my choices in defiance of her, nor do I blame her for doing what she thought was best at the time! But I'm making different choices and just as I respect hers, I expect her to respect my own.
Thanks for speaking out! I don't want my daughter to just be "fine" in 20 years but THRIVING! :)
I agree 100%! My mother disagrees with everything I do regarding parenting, but I would never make her feel as though her choices were wrong. She did what she thought was the very best.
DeleteWhat got me to write this post was the unwanted advice I get all the time...
Thank you for reading!
What I also find interesting is the judgement I get for NOT doing what they are doing. I try to educate my friends when I see/hear/read about them doing things like CIO but in the end they have to make decisions for themselves and I can only love them! Yet I get judged big time from people for my own decisions. Unfortunately as much as people try to think they are okay with "differences" most people aren't. If I'm not like you, I must be strange and not to be trusted.
DeleteI feel the same way. I don't want to settle for "fine" in my own life - why should I settle on it for my daughter? I wrote a post about wanting to be a supermum - in short, I am not willing to settle for fine either! I enjoy your writing, and I'd love it if you'd take a look at mine.
ReplyDeletehttp://beatrixquills.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/i-want-to-be-supermum-dont-be-hating.html
Bea xo
If my kids turn out fine, I will be thrilled. Seriously. Because there is no perfection and my version of a Fabulous Adult and their version of a Fabulous Adult will most likely be very different. All I want is to raise them knowing that they are loved, knowing that we make choices for them based on that love, and knowing that life is incredibly short. I want them to be empathetic and giving without shorting themselves. If I can accomplish those things in parenting my children, then I will feel as though I did a damn fine job.
ReplyDeleteI also know that people will judge me in 20 years for doing things differently than they will be done in the next generations. Advancements are always being made and opinions on parenting are constantly changing. There is no way to "parent perfectly", especially when comparing generations. We didn't ride in car seats because they weren't required BY LAW. Our children must ride in them because they ARE REQUIRED by law. Any grandparent who can't grasp that distinction shouldn't be driving their grandkids.
I heart your response!
DeleteI agree! I think most parents are doing their damned best with the information they have, and honestly, you're being judged NOW by parents who do things differently then you do. "My kid turned out just fine" isn't laziness, it's relief. :)
DeleteI think that because sometimes a parent is striving for "better" and even "best", which is understandable, but the yardstick to measure is an evolving thing... when I had my first kid, we were told emphatically that babies should NEVER be put on their backs to sleep because they could asphyxiate. And now? Back to sleep is the motto. I don't think anyone knows the absolute Truth with a Capital T. We're all learning and doing our best. And sometimes when one person is righteous about what her best is, it is easy for others to infer a judgment of the thing they may be doing differently.
ReplyDeleteI also think it's a delicate balance. I have seen women work so hard to make breastfeeding successful, they've done so at the expense of other members of their families or sometimes even their livelihoods. The bar for "better" and "best" can be set so high as to induce great shame and guilt for all those who fall short of it, and then sometimes "fine" is perfectly fine. Sometimes when you are working to get the overall balance right, you don't sacrifice all others for one.
If doing better than fine is at the expense of other things that are important, adjust your standards. I don't mean buckling into seatbelts and whatnot, but there are acceptable corners that can be cut when necessary.
Do your best. For a conscientious and loving parent, that is almost always good enough.
Many mothers say the struggle if breastfeeding at first is worth it!! Not only because formula cannot be compared to breastmilk.
Deletethere are times when i just want to relax and settle for "fine" but then I feel guilty...
ReplyDeleteI'm okay with my kids turning out fine, they don't have to be extraordinary as long as they are happy and productive members of society. But I agree with you, turning out "fine" shouldn't be an excuse to perpetuate things that we know to be unsafe or unhealthy for out kids. My dad wants to let my 3-year old ride around their neighborhood in his pickup truck with just a seat belt. I don't know what might happen so I don't allow it (he is a police officer and should know better anyway). My mother is dying to give my 3-year old soda for some reason. She wants him to drink Coke and thinks I should allow it. No, it's not good for his teeth or his bones or any part of his little growing body, so I am not allowing it. I'd love it if they never drank soda, personally. But I'm not going to let my mom use the "you drank soda and turned out fine" line to push me into letting her do something I'm not comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteI think some of you readers have missed the point. V is not suggesting that its not acceptable for your children to be fine or mediocre when it comes to life skills or talent. She is simply pointing out that those who made different choices than we did, choose to ridicule us because we chose not to do things as they did, and its not fair. They got there chance to raise their children as they saw fit, now its our turn. Unless you are paying my bills, you don't get a vote. I can so relate, I have had this same issue with people discounting my instincts and parenting methods,because" I did it this way and my kids are fine, or this way worked for me". Well good for you, our comfort levels are different, and what is okay for you, may not be okay for me. When someone asks how is your son/ daughter, do you say fine? Or do you gush about all the wonderful things about them? Well, I want my son to be happy, healthy, and kind, and whatever that may look like, it will look different for everyone. Thank you V for your honesty.
ReplyDeletexoxo, Misty
Misty, I think V's point is that parents who are willing to accept that their kids will turn out "fine" (instead of "amazing!" or "great!" are being lazy and not informing themselves.
DeleteActually, Misty hit the nail on the head. I'm tired of having my choices questioned by people who did things differently and have kids who are "fine". I am not willing to ignore scientific facts about safety, psychology, nutrition, etc. just because someone else said they did with a non-fatal result. I am not talking about the way my children will turn out, I am talking about doing my best as a parent that I possibly can.
DeleteI agree. "Fine" isn't good enough. Not for my kids. I want them to grow up healthy, strong, happy and capable of greatness.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when I was in elementary school, buckling up in the backseat was just becoming a law. I'll never forget the assembly we had when an older sister came and sat on our school stage. In between tears, she told the story of how her little brother was thrown from the back seat through the front window of the car into a lake and died. She begged us to always buckle up and be careful because life is precious. I won't trivialize her tears and sorrow by saying "fine".
I think that all of the thinkgs that parents tend to bicker about are usually small really. like breastfeeding/bottle feeding. they are individual choices, and both good. where I think the problem with "just fine" comes in is when someone is hurt by the argument. My mom is against most doctors, as a result I have some long term health issues that progressed over the years she was responsible for me, and I am going through major medical treatment now. lots of things in our family were very unsafe. to a point it is just a matter of old fashioned ideas but she still rags on me for my use of car seats. many abusers blame their victims with this argument as well. to dismiss anthers pain with the "you are fine" argument is emotional manipulation.
ReplyDelete