Thursday, June 7, 2012


I have been struggling a lot with myself lately. I have been questioning myself, my faith, my direction in life. I can’t quite grasp where I’m supposed to go and at the same time I am responsible for two little people who are fully dependent on me. I think it’s probably safe to say that I am all grown up. However, I wasn’t always like that. There was a time when I knew how to live in the moment and I did. Then suddenly, while driving down the road, a song will come on that catapults me back to my old life and reminds me of how I used to be.
It was 1996 or 1997. We had spent the night at our favorite club, dancing the whole night through. That’s the only reason we went there- we never drank, we didn’t socialize much, we just danced. That night, a few people invited us to go swimming after the club closed. I was a little hesitant, but agreed.
The club closed at 3 am. The others had ordered beer at the club, then snuck it out to take it with us. We walked the dark path to the local swimming pool, talking and laughing. When we got to the pool, I had a hard time getting over the fence, but my friends were determined and helped me get to the other side.
We made our way through the grass, the public pool transformed in the light of the moon. There were people everywhere! Lovers under trees, groups of people sitting cross-legged in circles, talking and smoking. We headed straight to the water. It wasn’t as dark as I had hoped after our eyes had gotten used to the night and I worried slightly about getting in the pool. I decided to just go for it, took off all my clothes, and jumped in.
The water was freezing! The water at that pool was always on the chilly side, but it was especially cold without the sun to warm it up. It was glorious! We were splashing and swimming laps and laughing. It was one of the moments when I felt absolutely free. I didn’t care that only one person had brought a towel and we had to communally share it. I didn’t care that what we were doing was illegal. It was one of the happiest times of my life.
We had no agenda, no goals. We lived in the now. We thought that we were invincible. We thought that our ways would never part and that we would always be in each others lives. Life is misleading sometimes.
I am still exactly the same person. I still have the same ideals and hopes and dreams. I know a bit more now than I used to. My hair has some grey in it now. I (unfortunately) don’t go dancing much anymore. But deep down inside, I’m still unchanged. I promise myself that I will make time again to go nightswimming.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night
I'm not sure all these people understand
It's not like years ago
The fear of getting caught
The recklessness in water
They cannot see me naked
These things they go away
Replaced by every day
R.E.M.- Nightswimming

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